This year I...
-finished my first year of graduate school.
-lost some weight.
-attended 4 weddings.
-attended 4 funerals.
-got a new nephew.
-got a new car.
-got a little older, and hopefully a little wiser.
So much happens in one year. This last year seemed to last forever.
Happy New Year!
Have you ever broken a treehouse ladder?
So have you? Ever broken a treehouse ladder? I have. Stepping down backwards with all of my friends waiting for me at the bottom. The fall happened, my friends tried to console me. A thin person wouldn't have needed consoling, because it could have been said that it was just a really old ladder. But since I weighed in the upper 200's, comfort was needed. I played it off like I was fine, and made an excuse to go into the cabin for a minute. I called my brother on the phone, he is also overweight. I needed to talk to someone who would know exactly how I felt. I told him what happened, and then we laughed together. I needed to laugh about it.
My siblings and I have always been able to share stuff like that with each other. We've always been overweight together. When my sister and I were little, we had a mean cousin who referred to us as "Tubbo" and "Fat Tubbo". It was never that hard to be fat because we always had each other. In fact, most of the people in my family were overweight. We're Swedish. We get together and eat. Food is entertainment.
I miss this. I feel like I don't fit into this anymore. I can't talk about being fat with my siblings anymore. We can't call each other "Fat ass" anymore as a harmless joke (my family is weird). If I said this, I think it would hurt.
I feel like I don't really know how to deal with my weight loss. I always despised the people who spent a lot of time at the gym. Also, the dance team, cheerleaders, and all of the "bethel" girls, it seemed like they were a dime a dozen. Pretty and popular. Bubbly and optimistic, and BARF! The girls who all of the boys seemed to chase after. Though I will never be a cheerleader, and popularity doesn't seem like such a commodity these days...I am becoming more bubbly and optimistic. With losing 100 lbs. I have started feeling better about myself. I am proud of the progress I have made. I want to tell people all about it!
But with telling people about my success, I remember the way I felt 100 lbs. ago, whenever someone was thin(ner) and talking about the gym and losing weight. I resented those people. They made me feel inadequate.
I feel like my family and friends have started to feel inadequate when they see me, and when I talk about my weight loss. I feel guilty when I mention it.
The other day I introduced myself to some guys at church. One of the first sentences out of my mouth was, "I didn't know if you would recognize me, I've lost 70 lbs. since the last time you've seen me." Though what I said was genuine, I felt like what I was saying could be perceived as bragging. While the conversation continued to cover weight loss, working out, and eating healthy, I was thinking to myself, "Ugh! Shut up April, you sound like such an A-HOLE!" And I did it again today! I found myself giving weight loss advice to someone who wasn't even asking! Who is this girl? Why would I think it was okay to give advice when I feel like I am hanging onto this new lifestyle by my fingernails? I'm so scared that I'm going to wake a year from now and weight 290 lbs.!
The last thing I would want to do is make anyone feel inadequate. To make someone feel like they haven't met their goals. I think the only thing for me to do is accept the compliments when they come, but put a lid on it otherwise. I didn't lose weight because I was super unhappy being fat. I didn't feel negatively about fat people. I had actually come to accept myself. The deciding factor for me was that I wanted to have children someday, and that wasn't going to happen for several reasons due to my weight. And also, I didn't want to die young. My grandmother died when she was 61 from diabetes relating to obesity, and my mom has diabetes as well. I was 25 and pre-diabetic. This is why I decided to do what I did.
I don't want my family and friends to see me differently. As someone they have to make excuses to when they're eating, or why they haven't gone to the gym lately. I love them for who they are. I don't judge them. However, I would like them around just as long I as me :) (who wants to be the old lonely sister?).
I think that I will always be a fat girl at heart. I dream of chicken fried rice, and chocolate chip pancakes. Spaghetti with meatballs, and chocolate milk shakes. These are things of the past. However, I still take the elevator when nobody is looking. And I had about 6 pieces of Uncle Vernon's fudge at Christmas. It was SO good!
Captivating
I am in the process of reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I bought it a few years ago, and tried to read it...but life got the best of me, and I put it down. A few weeks ago I decided to brush off the dust, and give it another try. And it has been completely inspiring. Here's what I've learned:
God wants to be our Romancer, and our Lover. When I read this...initially I was uncomfortable. In our society, the term lover is mostly referred to in a sexual context. It took me a little while to get past this. This doesn't seem what God intended. I began to think of other things that a romancer or a lover would do. How much of a person's heart is devoted to the person they are in love with. And it has changed me. For the first time in my life, I put Jesus in the position as someone who I have been longing for. Don't get me wrong, I have seen God as my Father for my entire life. But seeing Him as a Romancer is something new to me. I began to think of what it would feel like to have Jesus put his arm around me while I sleep, or hold my hand while we walk down the street, or write me love letters. Things that I always imagined a man doing. And with these thoughts I began to cry. How tremendous would it be to arm in arm with the Lord? I keep imagining scenes where I will meet Jesus face-to-face for the first time, and in every one, I fall to my knees and sob at his feet...blubbering phrases like, "I'm so glad you're here" and "I've been waiting so long." I desperately want to meet Him. I get tears in my eyes whenever I think of this. To think that it may be eighty years from now, seems like far too long. But we must wait I guess. I've got more seeds to plant.
I think from now on (or until I need to be reminded AGAIN) whenever God presents a little bit of romance (a warm breeze, star filled skies, bright winter days) I will take a moment, and say a little "THANK YOU" to the Man after my own heart!
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
Overcome
This week at church we started a new series. I looked at the title for the sermon and said to a friend..."this is hilarious". Hilarious because it was all too ironic how we had a conversation regarding this topic about 12 hours earlier. Here are the main points of the service:
How do we overcome Inadequacy?
Make the decision to do something!
View Yourself the way God does.
-Learn what God has to say about you.
-Limit the amount of stuff that causes you to compare.
It's amazing to me how easy it is to forget the way God sees me. How often I let other people's opinions overcome my strengths as a Christian, as a friend, as a daughter, and as a woman. It kind of makes me angry and sorrowful, that I don't love God enough. That I would disregard knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14), and believe all of the biting comments, dirty looks, and awkward silences that have happened over the years. Don't get me wrong, I am not a very angry person...these things happen to everyone.
I guess what my pastor didn't mention, is that there is something else that needs to happen. Another way to overcome inadequacy. Forgiveness.
I need to forgive those who have hurt me. I need to forgive myself...for not loving myself enough to think that God could love me too. We are all taught that God loves us from the time we were little girls and boys. But how often were we shown otherwise by the actions of our Christian brothers and sisters. Some of the people who have made me feel the most inadequate in my life, have been other Christians and their exegetical snobbery (for those of you who don't know what exegetical means...look it up:))
The further I get into my MFT program at St. Mary's...the more I realize that I want to help empower people. I want to help people find the ambition to perservere, and transform themselves into someone who they are happy to be. Also the further I get into the program, the harder I find it to think about helping people overcome their obstacles without mentioning Christ. I guess this is an issue I will have confront the Big Guy with. "How do I help people...without mentioning you?"
Top 10 Things about Losing 90 lbs.
1. Collar bone actually sticks out. People don't realize how awesome this is.
2. Knee caps and wrist bones.
3. Non-plus sized clothing.
4. I have dimples. Who knew?
5. Jewelry fits
6. The increased difficulty of sitting still for a prolonged period of time (too much to do!).
7. I can resolve that the people who scoot their chairs in for me, are not implying that I am BIG, but are just being polite.
8. I can take the stairs without being out of breath.
9. I feel pretty...sometimes.
10. I can cross my legs...LIKE A GIRL!
I heart this song.
Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF0p4I9a1nw&feature=related
The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
April's good ideas.
Here are some things I am glad I did. I am not bragging. Because these may not be accomplishments worthy of any award/reward:
1. Going to get a Master's degree (this could become a bad idea when I graduate and have to pay back student loans)
2. Getting my hair cut short. It's so much more fluffy now.
3. Getting new glasses (still in tact after getting hit in the face with a volleyball)
4. Sharing the Mediterranean platter with Emily last night.
5. Starting a journal when I was in the 6th grade. Now I have over 35 journals.
6. Losing 80 pounds.
7. Going to Latin Hip Hop exercise class at the YMCA.
8. Start painting again.
9. Park the car a few blocks from school on this beautiful day.
10. Wear a hat when you don't feel like showering.
April's current list of bad ideas.
Here is my current list of things that I should do, or shouldn't have done:
1. Buy 3 mini bags of combos because they were 3 for $2.22 at the gas station.
2. Eaten over-cooked fish, with some risotto...which came back up about an hour later.
3. Chosen a hair cut that was too short to put in a pony tail. I miss pony tails.
4. Over-analyze a conversation with the cute married guy. Because he is..in fact.. the cute MARRIED guy.
5. Eaten 1/2 slice of chocolate cheesecake after lunch. (Okay, I do not regret this, because it was the best chocolate cheesecake I have ever had, and there were only mild hot flashes afterwards).
6. Scheduled two classes for Tuesdays. One in the morning..and one at night. With work in between :(
7. Used direct depost advance AGAIN this month. It's an endless cycle...to borrow money that you have to pay back with the next months check. But then next month you need to borrow more money to cover the money you borrowed the month before. I know several people with this problem.
8. Buy a computer with my student loan money...I have yet to do this..but I really think that I need one.
9. Eaten mini smores crackers by Honey Maid...I have a tummy ache.
10. I'm going to repeat the mini smores again...because my stomach is making weird noises, and I am feeling very sleepy.
Maybe sometime this week I will come up with a list of good ideas...we'll see how the week wraps up. I've already got a few in mind.
This is what I want....is that too much to ask?
My Tacori Ring and Patrick Dempsey! Yeah, that's right!
Tattoos!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dawngrace
This woman's tattoos look awesome. She's in Chicago. When I get thin, I totally want one!
You are my strength and my song
I don't give God enough credit. He has been doing awesome things in my life lately, and I am happy...and I guess I say thank you, but not nearly enough.
I wish that I could say with full certainty that I trust God, and know that he will never forsake me. But whenever I get to the point where I need to trust Him, it gets hard. Just because I trust Him doesn't mean that he won't TAKE ME OUT! I want to live this life! I want to love and be loved, I want to get married and have babies. I want a career, I want a house. I want all of these things. I am probably being selfish. I've always been taught as a Christian that we are not supposed to love this earth, this place. Because it will be gone in a moment. Well, I'm sorry God, but I love being alive! I dont want to go to heaven yet...or anytime soon. I think the reason why I have this trust issue, is because I don't know what heaven will be like, and I'm afraid that all we will be doing is what we do in church every Sunday...praise songs and listening to Bob Merrit speak from the satellite video from the Lino Lakes campus. Uh, isn't there something else that will be more exciting. I dont want to be in heaven singing David Crowder songs. Heaven is supposed to be better than that, and I guess I feel like God isn't going to let us have any fun.
Since starting grad school this last January, I feel alot more optimistic about life. I love my classes, and though I have about a year and a half left, I am melancholy about graduating. I would go to school forever if I could. However, you would not guess this by looking at my organization skills. I have so many things that I know are coming up, but here I sit, in front of my computer....doing things that don't need to be done. Then when it comes hand in time, I freak! I stress! I stay up way to late! I do okay at least. I got 29/30 on my last 30 min. presentation I did...and I only prepared for about 2 1/2 hours the night before. Kick ass!
There are other good things in my life that I would like to talk about...but maybe at a later date. I'm sleepy!
