If you fail...take a trip.
Today I said goodbye to a girl. A girl who is insecure about her future. Who feels like she doesn't belong in her own bed, in her own home. A girl who is fighting to gain the approval of those around her, and quite often feels like she can't say anything right. She is 13. She was my client.
As I sit here, writing a list of things that define her, I realize that these things also define me. Perhaps that is how I empathize with her. Perhaps that is why I cried the entire drive back home.
Today was the last day of a year-long internship. I wish that I could say that it was fantastic. I wish that I could say that I tried really hard. But neither would be true. I would have to say that I failed. Though I completed my internship with the agency, I know that it wasn't given the priority that it deserved. I can tell you a little about applying models of therapy to families and children, but if you want to know what I have learned, I would have to turn inward. Some people like to blame their failures on others. It's easier isn't it? To point the finger at someone else. For some, this habit is a mask they wear. The amount of energy they spend blaming the world for their problems could easily be spent gaining a sense of purpose. Ambition. A desire to learn something new.
It isn't okay to always blame yourself. There are some things that really aren't your fault. However, it is your fault if you milk being injured.
I've decided to take the summer off of grad school. To deal with a list of wounds that I have been quickly medicating, but never letting them fully heal. I hope to return to my plans for the future in the fall, with some strength and perspective.
I am really hoping that this summer will be filled with sunshine, exercise, art, writing, research, healing, and fun with friends.
To kick off this summer, I leave in the morning on a four day adventure with my favorite person in the world...my little brother. This is ironic to me, because I spent so much time in my teen years trying to get him NOT to hang out with me. Now I am amazed that it was his idea to spend four days with me...in a row. It has been ten years since we have flown on a plane together. We are excited, and ready to have a good time. Don't worry, my brother knows me well, and I have already been told that it is not okay to wander down dark alleys. I do like to wander.
