I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.

So I am now 27. 3 years from 30. Am I where I thought I would be 10 years ago? Absolutely not. Am I still happy? YES! I'm sure if you asked me 10 years ago, where I would be when I was 27, I would have said, "A MARRIED art teacher with at least 2 kids...and more on the way." Did I make a good attempt at achieving every part of that sentence? Yes...but oh the naivety of a 17 year old girl. Teaching art was fun...but not what I thought. I love art and I love kids...alot, but art in the public schools is disintegrating rapidly, and I have decided that I love the way art is therapeutic, and want to pursue it (I'm sure that musicians feel this way about music...I feel this way about both, and I have been having some exciting new ideas about putting God,art, and music together to help people heal. I've been praying that God puts a musician or two in my life to help :)
As far as being married, and having babies. There aren't that many things in my life where I feel confident enough to admit it, and I hope that people don't see me as someone who is arrogant...but I feel like I would be a really good mom. This Saturday in Kid-O-Deo, there was a little boy who I had to peel off of his mother, in order for her to get to the service. This little one did not know me at all, but just by holding him, and rocking with him, calmed his nerves, ended his sobbing, and minutes later he was playing with cars and puzzles. While holding him, I kept thinking, "This is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world." The other day at my job, I was working with the preschoolers, and this little boy didn't like that I was watching him and his friends play. He yells, "Go away!" Suddenly his friend Mike yells, "No! I LOVE her!" He turned to me and said, "I love you." I said, "I love you too!" I don't know if it is okay to tell children at my work that I love them (I really do), but when a child says that they love you...you say it BACK! I don't think that I stopped smiling for the rest of the day.
When it comes to wanting to get married, if you have known me long enough, you know that this is one of the things I want most in my life. One of the things that I have struggled so hard to trust God with. The older I get, the more I am forced to rely on Him...because the more impatient I become. I've never had a boyfriend. Everybody knows this...or you do now :) My mother claims it is because God knows that I can't handle a broken heart. Mothers are always so insightful aren't they? I've had my heart stomped on quite a bit, but only from not waiting for God's timing.
As a single person, you don't really know if these desires will ever be satisfied. It is scary sometimes to think that God doesn't have a partner for you. All of my siblings have significant others. And my parents have each other. I don't doubt their love for me, but sometimes you just start to wonder what life will be like in 10 more years, when you don't have someone who expects you home at night.
I believe that life is what you make of it. Even though I have shared some unmet desires of my heart, I don't really feel like I am sitting here...waiting for these things to happen. If I expect my satisfaction in life to come from these things, it is a slap in the face to God. It is a waste of perfectly good opportunities that God will create for me, if He chooses for me to be single. Maybe I am meant to always cuddle with other people's children. Maybe I am supposed to become a missionary and offer the skills I am learning as a counselor, to help young children who have had their hearts broken by disaster. Maybe I am supposed to be a stay-at-home mother. God will use me wherever he sees fit.
I didn't really intend to write about being single and childless today. I am just coming off of a great birthday weekend, one of the best birthdays of my life actually. God chose this weekend to show me how many people I have in my life who love me. The above photo is the group who showed up to Brunswick Zone for my birthday night. Five others came who are not pictured. I've known some of these people since birth(my siblings), kindergarten, high school, after college, and a few I have just met recently.
Here is what I did want to say in this blog. A few things that I have learned in this last year:
1. No matter what size you are, you will most likely always find something wrong with your body.
I was talking to my grad friends, and this was the consensus. Even if you aren't fat, you could be too skinny, you could have a big nose, you could be kind of hairy. We focus on imperfections. I thought that losing 100 lbs. would get rid of the insecure feelings I have about my body. Nope! Now there are new ones :) Oh well, my body and I are in love some days, and other days we avoid the mirror altogether.
2. It feels great to be where God wants you to be.
I really feel like I am right where I should be. God has blessed me so much in the last year, and I feel like he is pushing me, and stretching me, and putting new people in my life who love Him as much as I do. In the last 8 months, I have jumped headfirst into volunteering at my church. I love it. I feel so happy, calm, moved, loved, and about a dozen other words that describe what God has blessed me with in this place. I meet new people every week. I have to say that the time I enjoy the most is being part of the tech team, and hanging out with the guys/girls in the band (even though the worship pastor made reference to taking a dump, when he forgot that I was sitting right behind him. I'm pretty sure that this is going to give way to him feeling comfortable saying these things right in front of me. I accepted a long time ago that I went to the same university as these guys...and for the most part, Bethel boys are all the same. They talk about Jesus, music, pooping, and videogames in the same conversation.)
3. It's okay to be a sensitive girl.
I always cry on my birthday. I can't really explain it, maybe it is a life change that I did not initiate. Maybe I am caught between wanting a concert thrown in my honor, and not wanting too much attention...it really depends on the year I think. This year, I cried 3 times on my birthday. None of them were for bad reasons. First, I saw a sad movie. Second, the praise band at church did an amazing job playing a song that I love, and when music makes me happy, I cry...especially when it's live. And third, I was really amazed at how many friends showed up to my birthday. I think that I forget how many people care about me, mostly because most of these people I don't see that often. You forget that even though you don't see them, they still love you. I am loved :) Thanks Jesus!

Possible Baby Names

From the time I was 15 years old, I have been thinking of baby names. Lately, I've been getting creative...or not so creative. Take your pick.

1. Ramona Quimby Age 8
2. Juanita Fajita
3. Jasper Johns
4. Leonardo DaVinc-o
5. Russell Stover

It's time to get out of this town, there's no more fun to be found.

I need to get out of this town. I'm going completely crazy. Driving MYSELF crazy. I haven't been able to get away since last October. For some people, this wouldn't be a big deal. Work, kids, church, activities. Valid reasons to not get away. I can't do this. I am not made this way. I feel so exhausted. If someone pulled into my driveway right now, and said, "C'mon Ape, let's go!" I wouldn't even ask where we are going. I would just go. ANYWHERE!
In the last few years, I have realized that there are certain people in my life who God has given me...to remind me of who I am. Whenever I see them, I feel like I am home, even though they live FAR from my home. I feel like I get a piece back of myself that has slowly been sliding away. I haven't seen these people in about five months...some of them even longer, and I feel like myself... the person who I am certain of, is almost gone. I feel like this empty shell, just walking around...smiling at those who smile at me. Trying to give when I don't feel like I have much to give.
At the end of this month, I plan to take a trip to the east coast with my family. This will be a vacation. Unfortunately, many vacations with my family have left me feeling even more exhausted than when I am in the daily grind. Though I am looking forward to this trip, I realize that it takes up the money I would use to see my other friends...I'm taking donations.
God is doing so much in my life right now. I love my church, and I have developed a strong desire to read Christian authors, explore theology, and a desire to know MORE! Even the verses and stories in the Bible that I have read so many times before, offer insight...and I feel like I can feel the heart of those who were writing. This sounds cheesy, but it is true. I have begun asking God, "Where are we going?!" I am so excited to find out. I'm getting really excited for my trip to Nicaragua in August (and completely nervous for several reasons). I don't want it to be so far away. I've always felt God pushing me to travel, to offer support to those who are hurting, to provide help for those in need. Maybe that is why I am training to be a therapist.
My grandmother always told me that I was dreamer. This quality has stuck with me for my whole life. I can't imagine living a life where I live in the same house, taking my kids to hockey practice for 18 years. Having the same job until I retire. When I think about it, my eyes glaze over, and I think...BORED! There is whole world to see! (let me just say that I am terribly close to my family...I stopped by my brother's work this weekend, just to give him a hug. Going where God leads will be really hard for me. But how can you turn Him down?! I can't let my fear consume me).

For My Wonderful Sisters on Valentine's Day

I think this might be my favorite poem ever. I love love love my sisters, and this poem reminds me of them. So why not dedicate it to these three lovely ladies who got to choose my name upon my arrival into this world?(side note: letting a 2 1/2 year old, 5 year old, and 8 year old, choose a baby's name is never a good idea. I happen to love mine, but I'm pretty sure I was named April, because I was born in April. Real original girls :) )

i carry your heart with me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Top 5 Winona Ryder Movies

Winona Ryder is my all time favorite actress. Did you know she was born in Winona, Minnesota? This is one of the most boring places on earth, but apparently not that boring since it produced a hot mess like Winona Ryder. She is most definitely a Klepto, but she is my favorite Klepto. Here is the list...according to April. You may disagree!

In order of favoritism:
1. Little Women
2. Girl, Interrupted
3. How To Make An American Quilt
4. Reality Bites
5. Beetlejuice

Other films worth mentioning:
Edward Scissorhands
Mermaids (The Shoop Shoop Song w/ Cher, can't get much better than this :))

Blessed are the meek: A misguided course in Femininity

Throughout my adolescence, and into young adulthood, my mother has always used the verse Matthew 5:5, Blessed are the meek,for they will inherit the earth. as a way of saying, "Can-it April, you're being too loud!" Well, maybe not in those exact words. But it was her verse to hinder me from getting too loud, or getting too sassy, or being too funny. In her eyes, these things are not what a girl should be. Because of this, for my entire life I have felt that God didn't want me to be too smart,too funny or too voicetress.
In my mom's eyes, God and man are in agreement. Men don't want these things in a woman. A woman is supposed to be quiet, and dainty, and pretty, and smell nice. I know now that she misinterpreted the verse. God wasn't saying that he wanted a bunch of quiet Christians. And it does not say, "WOMEN! Blessed are the meek! SILENCE!" Humble Christians... maybe that is more of what God had in mind?
I don't blame her, it was her own mother who had said the same things to her, and probably my great-grandmother who started it (Great Grandma Tillman...I hope you and God had a chat about many things, upon your arrival).
I laugh all of the time. I can't help it. I laugh when I shouldn't, when things aren't supposed to be funny. Inappropriate things (ie. when I hear the word boner, etc.) I laugh every time my ethics professor curses. I'm like a 9 year old, cursing is funny to me.
For my whole life, I feel like I have struggled with my mother and grandmother's ideas of who I am supposed to be as a woman. When I got into the 6th grade, my mom informed me that I could start wearing make-up. I never asked. When I didn't express the desire to wear it, she kept urging. This battle went on into high school and even college. always argued. My argument was that if a man really loved me, he wouldn't care if I was wearing make-up or not. Her response was that this may be true, but that he may never get that far, if I didn't make myself look desirable. Again, not in her exact words, but along those lines.
I won't go into the arguments about the two perms I have had in my life, and the countless outfits that my mother has bought for me, that I have resented her for making me wear. Okay, I went into it a little bit. My mother is one of my best friends, and not a mean woman at all. She never meant me any harm. Like most mothers, she just felt that she knew the best (and still does). She only learned from what she encountered in her life, and the advice passed on from her mother.
I would say that I have learned to stand my ground with her. She no longer gets to buy clothes for me out of the her "old lady" catalogs (though she tries desparately), and there will never be another perm on my head. I wear make-up when I know that there will be someone who SHE wants me to impress. I wear make-up to church and other places where there are men who I would actually consider dating.
Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have turned out more girlie, if she hadn't been so persistant. Still, to this day if she knows I will see a guy I could potentially be interested in, I will hear, "Where's your lipstick?"
In the end, I still struggle with the imposed desire to feel girlie. To feel beautiful, to feel seductive. When I was fatter, I grew the attitude, "Why the heck would I bother?" Men look right through you when you are fat. Now that I have lost quite a bit of weight, I struggle with the desire to feel feminine. For someone who has some creative genes, I have no idea about the other kind of jeans. As a fat girl you just get used to buying clothes that don't make you look completely awful.
I don't know how to be soft spoken. I get quiet when I am shy, uncertain, uncomfortable, when I have a secret, when I am tired and when I am sad. But if it isn't one of those times, I am busy laughing, yelling, and talking loudly. For most of my life I have felt self-conscious about if I get too happy, or too excited...guys won't want to date me. If a girl seems too self-confident, guys won't like her. My friend Joe once told me, that when a guy meets me, he knows that he can't tell me something that isn't 100% true. Because I will call him out on his crap. Apparently this is intimidating for some men.
Deep down, I am a complete girl. By this, I mean that I am completely too sensitive. My guy friends have found this out the hard way. One minute she is playing bloody video games, or is in a round of darts and the next minute, she is pouting because you've hurt her feelings...and you're not even sure why.
What do you do with a girl who is incredibly excited for the Time Traveler's Wife AND Boondock Saints 2 to come out on DVD?

Attraction

I think that it is very fascinating, how as humans we tend to attract people who are alot like us. I am not talking about dating necessarily. I am just talking about what I have observed in my own life. Right now, I think of two good girlfriends, who I met in very different places in my life. One, was in high school. We have the exact same musical taste, and we have always seemed to just "get" each other. She is married now, and has a little girl who seems adorable. When we were in high school, I used to talk to her about God, and she came with me to church at least once. I never knew if it stuck with her or not, until recently when she told me that she goes to church now, and she thinks of me when she goes there. This in itself is huge. I can die a happy woman :). I love our friendship, even though we haven't seen each other in years. Facebook is a miracle worker :)
The second girlfriend, I met in college. She is single, and lives far away. We also seem to understand each other in ways that others cannot. God has brought us together and offered us empowerment, through our friendship with each other. According to Justin Sears...Fem-Nazis...if you will. I love this, and I wish we could see more of each other.
There is a third girlfriend, who I have just started getting to know within the last year. We are in the same grad program. We are both single, and Christians, and I really think that we have the same sense of humor. And we both cannot understand why the other is still single :) It is a joy to be able to share life experiences with someone, and know that their past is very similar to your own. And to know that you have similar goals for the future.
In my graduate program, I am currently learning about assessment (did I mention that last week I had to take an assessment for a couple...and I'm pretty sure that I made up the traits of my spouse...because he is missing in action. This leads me to think of the inside joke I have with my family at Christmas, how my husband isn't going to make it, because I don't know where he is). There are tons of them. According to Myers Briggs, I am an ENFP: Extravert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. 8.1% of the U.S. population gets this score. Everyone has different percentages for each subcategory. I am willing to guess, that these ladies who I have met in my life, fit into this category as well. Or at least pretty similar. This would reinstate the idea that you attract people who are the most like you. This would reinstate why I feel the need to go running to one of these girls when I can feel myself repeating old bad habits, or creating new ones. As if to say, "You know me the best because you can see yourself in me...save me from myself. NOW!" They know just the right thing to say to get you out of your funk. I don't think that I know any men who fit into this category :) My brother certainly doesn't. He doesn't break out the intuition. And my dad is definitely an intravert. My mom always says that she is married to a bachelor. He does his own laundry, he cooks his own meals...unless she asks in advance.
I love the feeling that you get, when you know that somebody really gets you. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does...it makes you feel a little less crazy :)
I don't feel that I have said anything really profound here. I think that you would have to know these girls, and how truly wonderful they are. And our similar journeys. Maybe someday my life story will be published as a biography. Not of someone famous...just as the life of someone. How do you condense 54 journals into one book? 54 journals. I can say that I am proud of this. Sticking with something for the last 15 years of my life. Writing obsessively. Filling a few pages when I am happy. Writing CHAPTERS when I am angry.
Wow...April Kay... you are random today.