Turn the radio down and say it out loud.

So I took the initiative to get involved in a Bible study at my church. My church is huge, thousands of people. And they basically make you find your own group. I am not outgoing in new situations...but I did it anyways because I wanted to find people who could help me rebuild my faith. My group started out with 12 people in it. Slowly people have been dropping out. And then tonight when I arrived at my Bible Study, my leader told me that he didn't think that it was worth keeping a Bible Study going with only 3 people. I was frustrated and annoyed. If you have people who are willing to be part of a group, and grow deeper in their knowledge of God, then why would you say it's not worth it to meet? I think the leader of my group wanted to be a leader more than he wanted to help people. I think it makes him feel good about himself to lead people. I don't think he's that concerned with helping people unless its in bulk. He was a member of YWAM (Youth With A Mission) for like 4 years I think. Maybe he has spent so much time helping mass quantities of teens around the world, that he wouldn't want to waste time on two people in an apartment in Maplewood, Minnesota.
I don't understand why God made me go through the nerve racking process of finding a group, and getting involved, only to remove me from it. It's a Bible Study. Shouldn't that be a good thing? Maybe God didn't think that my leader would actually lead me? Maybe he would have done more damage to my incredibly shrinking faith, than help it grow. Only time will tell..But I don't really know where that leaves me now. I was kind of clinging onto my Bible Study for dear life, because it did help me communicate with other Christians, and not feel so small in my great big church. It made me feel a little less lost. That's a good book title. If I ever write one, that may be it..."A Little Less Lost" The next time I will be able to get involved will be at the end of January. That's very far away to me. I liked having the community..even though it consisted of a few guys talking about sports (when not discussing the pastor's sermon):)
It seems like my life has always been me...and a couple of guys.
How do you get unlost?

My new favorite song

Witness to your life
by Lori McKenna



Someone was crying and the bells ring
Then I don't remember a thing
You were talking but the words came - from somebody else
Someone said kiss her and so you did
I was smilin' like a little kid
You kissed my teeth and then we both hid - inside each other's arms

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
This may just be a softer place to fall
But somebody will answer when you call
And I will be that witness to your life

You got that job and joined the Union
Faught every urge that told you to run
Stared down the barrel of an empty gun - and wondered a bit
Stopped listening to all your friends
They think this is where life begins and ends
No one reaches, no one trandscends - they just learn to live with it

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
Baby, I will be that witness to your life

Your car comes into view
And from our front lawn I just smile at you
And everyday I thank the Lord that you - took the right road home

This is my poem

I wrote this when I was a freshman in college. For some reason its quality has deteriorated since then, in my opinion. But here it is.


The price of shoes

He likes to wear clogs.
I told him they were girls shoes,
but like what I say makes a difference.
I asked to borrow them.
He said maybe.
As if one day of my shoe wearing would hinder his reputation.
It's not a big deal that I gave my heart
to him a long time ago.
Are the heart and soul comparable to
a pair of leather garden shoes.
Maybe my thoughts and ideas
can compare with a matching bag,
or my values and expectations
replaced by a jacket with a fur collar.
Keep the clogs I say,
I can get shoes for less than
the price of my soul.

Givin up on you

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

-Laura Fabian

This song was on my dawson's creek soundtrack when I was about 16. I had it in my head today.

Summer School...not just a bad 80's movie.

I started summer school this week. At North Hennepin Community College. I can't help but notice how a community college is different from a four year school. There are so many different types of people. You have those who are there because they can't afford a four year school. You have those who don't know what they want to do with their lives. You have those who, like myself, are trying to meet prerequisites to get into another program. You have those who are trying to work, raise a family, and earn a degree. It feels kind of weird going to a school and not being a part of the community. I feel like I have the mentality, "get in and get out". I just need this class, and then I plan on saying goodbye to NHCC forever.
Today was only the second day of class, and already I've learned that my teacher smokes like a chimney, had an alcoholic father, has a sister with cancer, has a sister who is a slut, built a two story tree house when she was ten, has a gay son who recently got married in Vermont, and who is retiring in 8 years/15 semesters. Today I also learned who invented the first vibrators.
I have to say though, that I think I will love this class. My professor's over-personalization during class time makes things a LOT more interesting. Did I mention its a Child Development class? I don't really understand where vibrators fall into place...the use of one doesn't make conception very successful...impossible really.
I kind of can't wait to see what inappropriate things she is going to talk about tomorrow!

December Baby

The colored lights, they brightly shine.
Unlike your eyes avoiding mine.
The snow is folding sheet upon sheet.
Our hands not holding as we cross the street.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

I wore the dress I thought you loved.
But my boots are filling with snow you shoved
Off of the car we climb into.
You finished first, I must catch up to you.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

How can I catch up when I don't don't want to?
How can I catch up when I still want you?

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are mine.

I heart Ingrid Michaelson.

snap out of it.

I've been realizing lately that I need to show myself some respect. I realize that in the last year, my self-worth has shrunk significantly. It's not just one thing, its plenty of things. And I realize that I need to start showing myself the love that I show to everyone else. For some reason when I get into a situation that tears me down, I can't just walk away. Its almost like I crave the abuse. I must, because I keep coming back for more. I feel like I need a big vacation. Like I need to move. I actually plan on moving in the fall, but I'm pretty sure that the abuse will follow me there.
I've realized that for the last year, I have listened to nothing God has said. I did my own thing, and ignored all of the people who were trying to steer me in a different direction. They saw the destructive lifestyle that I had begun to live. They saw that my happiness was placed somewhere that it shouldn't have been. And now things are falling apart, and I feel like I am not worth much at all. I keep trying to give myself pep talks, and tell myself that I deserve more than what I'm getting...but what if I don't really believe it? Nobody wants to be around someone who doesn't respect themselves. Nobody wants to be around a basket case. Nobody wants a friend who always has problems. Even my family and close friends are tired of my problems. And the reason why is because they have seen this coming for a while now...and I didn't listen.
I've also realized that God never intended for people to be so self-seeking. If I would have spent the last year of my life looking at different ways I could help others, I wouldn't have so much drama in my own life. I've created my own drama because I have been so concerned with myself and making myself happy.
The other day in church I learned this:
There are three situations when God doesn't want you to be happy:
1. God doesn’t want you happy when it causes you to sin.

2. God doesn’t want you happy when it’s driven by circumstances.
3. God doesn’t want you happy as much as God wants you blessed.

The current series is about Christian cliches, things that Christians say and believe that aren't true. These statements are in response to the Cliche, "God just wants me to be happy."
I'm not happy. I need to gain perspective because there are so many people who are worse off than me. I know that I base my happiness off of my circumstances. I think alot of people do. I need to work on that I think.