Waiting Wishing Hoping
I am waiting for several things in life right now. To name a few; a job, a letter from the university I am applying to, a call from a credit consolidator, a boyfriend, a burst of energy to lose some weight/clean my room/clean the house/paint, a plan for my future, a miracle. You get the idea.
I find it hard to rest. I manage to get some sleep at night, but if there was ever a time that I didn't feel an ache of uncertainty and loneliness in my heart, I must have missed it.
When it comes to my bills, I feel like the longer they go unpaid, the worse my future is going to be. The longer my bills go unpaid, the less of a chance there is for me to get loans for graduate school.
Most of my problems right now are financial. It's weighing me DOWN! Could I just find a husband who could pay for all of my bills? Or could I get a teaching job to take responsibility for MYSELF and pay all of my bills?
AHHHHH!
I'm Gonna Make You Love Me-The Jayhawks
The world never ends
It's only the beginning
And we can't pretend
To discover it's meaning
We talked for hours at a time
Then I came to my senses
You're more than a friend
You're my perfect lover
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years
It's the least I can do
Just to make you my baby
No words could describe
Oh, pinch me I'm dreaming
Your hair's long and black
As it lays 'cross my pillow
When I stare in your eyes
I get lost in your glory
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years
When you were a little girl
Your great big world came tumbling down
So sad
Yeah, the river it bends
But it flows to the ocean
And baby here I am
I'm your sea of devotion
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years....
I get knocked down
In the past few weeks I have been trying frantically to get my graduate school application ready to submit. I feel that God is calling me to go back to school. I chose two different programs to apply for, and I don't really have a clue what my chances are for getting into either program.
Recently I had a professor refuse to give me a recommendation for the program I was applying for. He told me that he "couldn't with a clear conscience recommend me for the program." He was also my advisor and the strongest recommendation would have been from him. But for some reason unknown, he decided that I wasn't qualified. The puzzling thing is that I got A's and B's in his classes, and he was always so encouraging about pursuing a career as an artist. It sent me into hysterics of course because I am uneasy about applying to grad school in the first place. Six months ago I lost my job. This summer I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. I have also had problems with relationships lately, and I spent the whole summer looking for a teaching job that wouldn't come. Finally when I feel like I know what I want to do, it seems like there is no possibility in sight.
But I haven't given up all hope yet. Today I received an email from my favorite professor at my university. He served as my advisor when my designated advisor wasn't around. He knows me the best out of all of the professors. In the email he said that he was willing to give me a recommendation. I was relieved. Now I only need to find one more.
In the end I have no control over if I get into the program or not. I guess I have control over the interview...and I should be a little worried about that. I am terrible at interviews. But if I don't even get an interview, then there won't be anything to stress out about.
The program I am trying the hardest to get into is in Superior, Wisconsin. It's right across the border from Duluth, which is about 3 hours away from my home. I would have to move up there if I decided to go to school there. That makes me incredibly nervous.
The other program is in Minneapolis at St. Mary's University. It is for Marriage and Family Therapy, but they offer some art therapy coursework. This program would take more work after I got my degree if I still wanted to pursue art therapy. I would still have to go to Superior, or somewhere farther away to get more education.
If I don't get into one of these programs, I don't know what I am going to do. This is what I feel that I would be good at doing. I need to prepare myself for a let down, because I don't want to come crashing down into a panic attack if I don't have a plan.
Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so attached to home. I wish that I didn't feel a huge panic when thinking about moving out on my own. For a long time, I was okay with it. I did fine in college. I was even fine for a long period afterwards. But I have become attached to this place again. And I don't know if I will have a good base of friends to snap me out of my homesickness when I get to where I am going. Right now I have two guy friends who are obsessed with weightlifting and hitting on skinny college chicks who every year get younger and younger than them.
When nothing satisfies you...hold my hand. -Jennifer Knapp