Turn the radio down and say it out loud.

So I took the initiative to get involved in a Bible study at my church. My church is huge, thousands of people. And they basically make you find your own group. I am not outgoing in new situations...but I did it anyways because I wanted to find people who could help me rebuild my faith. My group started out with 12 people in it. Slowly people have been dropping out. And then tonight when I arrived at my Bible Study, my leader told me that he didn't think that it was worth keeping a Bible Study going with only 3 people. I was frustrated and annoyed. If you have people who are willing to be part of a group, and grow deeper in their knowledge of God, then why would you say it's not worth it to meet? I think the leader of my group wanted to be a leader more than he wanted to help people. I think it makes him feel good about himself to lead people. I don't think he's that concerned with helping people unless its in bulk. He was a member of YWAM (Youth With A Mission) for like 4 years I think. Maybe he has spent so much time helping mass quantities of teens around the world, that he wouldn't want to waste time on two people in an apartment in Maplewood, Minnesota.
I don't understand why God made me go through the nerve racking process of finding a group, and getting involved, only to remove me from it. It's a Bible Study. Shouldn't that be a good thing? Maybe God didn't think that my leader would actually lead me? Maybe he would have done more damage to my incredibly shrinking faith, than help it grow. Only time will tell..But I don't really know where that leaves me now. I was kind of clinging onto my Bible Study for dear life, because it did help me communicate with other Christians, and not feel so small in my great big church. It made me feel a little less lost. That's a good book title. If I ever write one, that may be it..."A Little Less Lost" The next time I will be able to get involved will be at the end of January. That's very far away to me. I liked having the community..even though it consisted of a few guys talking about sports (when not discussing the pastor's sermon):)
It seems like my life has always been me...and a couple of guys.
How do you get unlost?

My new favorite song

Witness to your life
by Lori McKenna



Someone was crying and the bells ring
Then I don't remember a thing
You were talking but the words came - from somebody else
Someone said kiss her and so you did
I was smilin' like a little kid
You kissed my teeth and then we both hid - inside each other's arms

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
This may just be a softer place to fall
But somebody will answer when you call
And I will be that witness to your life

You got that job and joined the Union
Faught every urge that told you to run
Stared down the barrel of an empty gun - and wondered a bit
Stopped listening to all your friends
They think this is where life begins and ends
No one reaches, no one trandscends - they just learn to live with it

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life
Baby, I will be that witness to your life

Your car comes into view
And from our front lawn I just smile at you
And everyday I thank the Lord that you - took the right road home

This is my poem

I wrote this when I was a freshman in college. For some reason its quality has deteriorated since then, in my opinion. But here it is.


The price of shoes

He likes to wear clogs.
I told him they were girls shoes,
but like what I say makes a difference.
I asked to borrow them.
He said maybe.
As if one day of my shoe wearing would hinder his reputation.
It's not a big deal that I gave my heart
to him a long time ago.
Are the heart and soul comparable to
a pair of leather garden shoes.
Maybe my thoughts and ideas
can compare with a matching bag,
or my values and expectations
replaced by a jacket with a fur collar.
Keep the clogs I say,
I can get shoes for less than
the price of my soul.

Givin up on you

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

-Laura Fabian

This song was on my dawson's creek soundtrack when I was about 16. I had it in my head today.

Summer School...not just a bad 80's movie.

I started summer school this week. At North Hennepin Community College. I can't help but notice how a community college is different from a four year school. There are so many different types of people. You have those who are there because they can't afford a four year school. You have those who don't know what they want to do with their lives. You have those who, like myself, are trying to meet prerequisites to get into another program. You have those who are trying to work, raise a family, and earn a degree. It feels kind of weird going to a school and not being a part of the community. I feel like I have the mentality, "get in and get out". I just need this class, and then I plan on saying goodbye to NHCC forever.
Today was only the second day of class, and already I've learned that my teacher smokes like a chimney, had an alcoholic father, has a sister with cancer, has a sister who is a slut, built a two story tree house when she was ten, has a gay son who recently got married in Vermont, and who is retiring in 8 years/15 semesters. Today I also learned who invented the first vibrators.
I have to say though, that I think I will love this class. My professor's over-personalization during class time makes things a LOT more interesting. Did I mention its a Child Development class? I don't really understand where vibrators fall into place...the use of one doesn't make conception very successful...impossible really.
I kind of can't wait to see what inappropriate things she is going to talk about tomorrow!

December Baby

The colored lights, they brightly shine.
Unlike your eyes avoiding mine.
The snow is folding sheet upon sheet.
Our hands not holding as we cross the street.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

I wore the dress I thought you loved.
But my boots are filling with snow you shoved
Off of the car we climb into.
You finished first, I must catch up to you.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

How can I catch up when I don't don't want to?
How can I catch up when I still want you?

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are mine.

I heart Ingrid Michaelson.

snap out of it.

I've been realizing lately that I need to show myself some respect. I realize that in the last year, my self-worth has shrunk significantly. It's not just one thing, its plenty of things. And I realize that I need to start showing myself the love that I show to everyone else. For some reason when I get into a situation that tears me down, I can't just walk away. Its almost like I crave the abuse. I must, because I keep coming back for more. I feel like I need a big vacation. Like I need to move. I actually plan on moving in the fall, but I'm pretty sure that the abuse will follow me there.
I've realized that for the last year, I have listened to nothing God has said. I did my own thing, and ignored all of the people who were trying to steer me in a different direction. They saw the destructive lifestyle that I had begun to live. They saw that my happiness was placed somewhere that it shouldn't have been. And now things are falling apart, and I feel like I am not worth much at all. I keep trying to give myself pep talks, and tell myself that I deserve more than what I'm getting...but what if I don't really believe it? Nobody wants to be around someone who doesn't respect themselves. Nobody wants to be around a basket case. Nobody wants a friend who always has problems. Even my family and close friends are tired of my problems. And the reason why is because they have seen this coming for a while now...and I didn't listen.
I've also realized that God never intended for people to be so self-seeking. If I would have spent the last year of my life looking at different ways I could help others, I wouldn't have so much drama in my own life. I've created my own drama because I have been so concerned with myself and making myself happy.
The other day in church I learned this:
There are three situations when God doesn't want you to be happy:
1. God doesn’t want you happy when it causes you to sin.

2. God doesn’t want you happy when it’s driven by circumstances.
3. God doesn’t want you happy as much as God wants you blessed.

The current series is about Christian cliches, things that Christians say and believe that aren't true. These statements are in response to the Cliche, "God just wants me to be happy."
I'm not happy. I need to gain perspective because there are so many people who are worse off than me. I know that I base my happiness off of my circumstances. I think alot of people do. I need to work on that I think.

Summer Summer Summertime.

Let's hear it for another season of change. I once was the third party to a conversation between two middle aged art teachers who were reflecting on their lives and trying to decide what decade they would choose to relive. They said that they would never relive their twenties...because the time is spent with so much uncertainty. I am in the middle of my twenties, and would definitely agree. I feel like at 25 a few things should be a little more certain, but for me, NOTHING is certain. Not even who my friends are. I'm just trying to get by with not knowing where I will live or who I can rely on to be my friend. I'm sorry to the faithful friends I have had for years, props to you...but honestly barely any of you live within thirty minutes from me...so all you get is a golf clap.
Shifting gears, I am glad to be finished with the spring semester, only to be frustrated that I have to take a summer school class. It's probably a blessing though...because sometimes I feel like I get bored in the summertime. Summertime is definitely not boring. But I seem to get bored. I think it is safe to say, that last summer was the first not boring summer I have had in a really long time. I had something to do almost every night, and I went to the beach every week. Life was good. Ironically it was also the worst summer of my life. I spent my time looking for a teaching job since I got fired in the spring and I developed a panic disorder because of it. Sweet.
Also this summer I will be working everyday, and I will be taking care of my grandpa a few days a week. I will be busy with things that aren't exactly fun, but I'm sure that I will throw a few fun things in there. I want to make a trip to Chicago and beyond. But that'll be towards August I think. I have some friends who are living in Washington, but I honestly don't think I will be travelling there. It's so far. I would love to go there, but...money doesn't grow on trees, and I would hate to be so far if something happened to my grandpa.
I'm going to try to go to church all summer. It has been helping me alot lately. I also like spending that time with my family.:)

Here's a list of things I want to do this summer. I hope that I can find people to do these things with me.

1. Disc Golf
2. Camping
3. Canoeing/Kayaking
4. Chicago/Michigan
5. State Fair
6. Gluek's on Wednesday nights/ Dancing with Emily and Susan.
7. Get an A in my summer school class.
8. Several Trips to Duluth to visit my friends and classmates.
9. Driving Range
10. Drive in movies
11. Boyfriend? (this is silly...and desperate, but hey..maybe? Not holding my breath)
12. Improve at Volleyball
13. Drink beer.
14. Get a tattoo? (Now I'm just being a little too daring for myself)
15. It's only the end of May, there is time to make plans.

Papa

Life has been a killer lately. My grandpa is dying. He goes on hospice tomorrow. People who go on hospice usually die within 6 months. On the days that I am not in school, I go to his house at 8 in the morning and spoon feed him breakfast. Then I stay there with him, listening to make sure that he isn't coughing too hard, or choking on his own saliva. He sleeps alot, and even when he's awake, he stares off into space. When I'm there though, I sit in front of him, and he makes eye contact with me. He can't really speak much anymore. When I ask him a question, I have to say, "Say yes or no." And then he will respond. It takes a few seconds though. Sometimes the right words don't come out. The other day I asked him if he wanted his covers pulled up, and he pondered for a moment, and then said, "Five bucks an hour." I pulled the covers up anyways, and smiled.
A few days ago Papa went into the hospital with pneumonia. We didn't even know that he had it, he was brought to the hospital because he was dehydrated. Today I went to spend some time with him. It was just me and him. He held my hand while I told him about the homework I was doing, and that I was going camping. I asked him if he had ever been camping. He said no. I asked him if he had ever been in a tent, and he mustered up enough energy to say, "in the service." It was impressive because at this point its hard to tell what he remembers. I started to run out of things to tell him. But then I looked at him and looked at those familiar bushy eyebrows and smiled. I said, "You know Papa, I remember when you let me cut your eyebrows. I didn't do a very good job. But they grew back." He squeezed my hand and smiled and started to laugh a little bit. And then he continued to squeeze my hand and stare at me for a while longer. I started tearing up. So I had to look down. Then I said, "Well Papa, it's after 9, I should go home now so you can get some sleep." But he continued to hold my hand and wouldn't let go. He put his other hand on top of the hand he was already holding, and he continued to stare at me. And I stared right back, not knowing what to say. Trying to not think the thoughts that were going through my mind. Thoughts like, "What if this is the last time I see him?" or "What if he dies tonight after I leave? He will have died with nobody by his side." Then I started to think of the thoughts that were going through his head. And I started to think of how scary it must be to know that you will die soon. And to know that you're leaving your family. I believe in the Christian idea of heaven. And I believe that my grandpa will be there someday...soon. He will join my grandma who has been there for 10 years now. He asks about her sometimes. He forgets that she is gone. But it always comes back to him. And that must be hard.
After a while I knew I had to head for home, and so I made him let go of my hand so that I could give him a hug. He wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed, letting out a healthy grunt. And with that I had to turn away and get my things. I was crying visibly by then. But I had to turn and say goodbye. I don't know if Papa could see the tears, I tried to not let him hear it in my voice. I hope he didn't. I want to be strong for him.But maybe if you cry a little, it shows them how much you love them. And how much they will be missed. When I got out of the room, I couldn't hold them back any longer. I walked out of the hospital looking down, including when I entered the elevator with five other people. Have you ever noticed how people look when they cry? Your face scrunches up, and it looks like you have a scary smile.

My grandpa has adored me since the day I was born. I can see it in his eyes and his smile when he sees me. Why else would you let your granddaughter cut off your eyebrows and your sideburns? And now when he is so close to the end of his life on earth, the love is pouring out of him...it makes it harder to say goodbye.

When I tell my friends about Papa being in the process of dying, they get a frown, and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." And it doesn't seem like enough. And then I have to step back, and realize that most people don't have as close of a relationship to their grandparents, as I have had with mine. For over half my life, Papa saw me every day of the week. In the third grade when I lost my favorite purple scarf, he drove me all the way to the bus company to search the bus I rode. He was always playing the crane game at the grocery store to win me a stuffed animal. When I got older we took trips together. And then I have friends who say, "Wouldn't he be better in a home?" And I say to them, "My grandpa didn't work 3 jobs his whole life to be put in a home." I have some friends who understand, and who I can tell have had similar relationships with their grandparents. My friend Chris talks about his grandpa and his old boat, and I know he misses him because he talks about him like he was gone not that long ago, but its been a while now. And my friend Dan has a tattoo of him and his grandpa on his back, and has created artwork in class about his grandpa taking him fishing. My friend Jolie calls her grandpa everyday to remind him to take his medication. My friend Julie lived with her grandma for a whole summer to help keep an eye on her after a surgery. These are the families I can relate to. The families who put their life on hold for the people who got them there in the first place.
Papa is my last grandparent. And since the other three left a while ago, I have grown very close to him. I always knew that losing him would be hard. And the time is now I guess...in the middle of a life that I was already struggling with.
It's amazing how I've realized that the drama that I create in my own life, all seems so unimportant when I realize that I'm losing someone who I hold so dear. And its not just me. My whole family is going through this. Even my brother takes two days a week to go and feed Papa. It makes me proud to be his sister.

Comic relief has always been a necessity in my family so I will end with this. It is a song my grandpa taught me when I was about ten years old.

"I like to go swimmin with bow legged women and swim between their legs. And when I go under it sounds like thunder and smelled like rotten eggs." :)

Lie to me, tell me everything is alright

I've started to realize that maintaining a friendship with someone you don't trust, is really hard. I feel like I am on the constant lookout for a sniper. Or like I'm a detective, on the case of "The Hidden Lie". The time you spend with that person no longer becomes enjoyable, because all you can think of is what it will feel like when they hurt you again. You become paranoid, and you overreact and think that they are lying when it is just miscommunication, or a lack of better judgement. And then you become the crazy one. And if I choose to forget it, and start trusting them again, I know the moment I feel comfortable trusting them again, they are going to pull a fast one on me.
It is now apparent to me that friends who lie aren't friends at all. But it's hard to let go. Because I know that there was something good in the beginning. If there wasn't we would have never become friends. And I have to wonder if they are lying because they care about me, or if they are doing it out of selfishness. In the situation I am in, it is out of selfishness.
There isn't a lot left to hold onto. Especially because I know that when they apologize they aren't really sorry. And I know that it will only be a short while until I lose all self respect for staying in the relationship.

It was easier when you were younger, you can put it back together.

"EZ"

Only save,
try to find another way,
I’m taking what I gave to you again.
Some new day I could understand your face,
you could even hold my hand if you would like to.
It came up unexpected,
I had to follow through
and it’s hard when you were working like you do.
It was easy when you were younger,
you can put it back together,
it was there if you ever wanted it
but you closed the door and said goodbye for good.
So this is a mistake,
try to find a better way,
you were never fond of anything I said.
Can we begin again?
Save it for another friend,
I was happy in my life I won’t pretend,
every time you were expecting to reach out and forgive this,
I was hardened by the look upon your face,
it was easy when you were younger,
you can put it back together,
it was there if you ever wanted it,
but you closed the door and said goodbye for good,
for good…
you were easy

- Pete Yorn

This is one of my favorite Pete Yorn songs. I read the lyrics today, over and over. If you were to hear the song, it would sweep you away. At least it does me. I find myself inside of it. I tell people that I would be Pete Yorn's band-aid. If you've ever seen the movie Almost Famous...the last statement would make you chuckle. To me, this song is about things not working out like you would have liked them to. It's about giving up too easily...because things get hard. I will say it again, I am inside of this song. But not alone I guess. I know what I mean...does anyone else? Probably not.

I'm starting to really like school, and all of the people in my classes. There is a kid named Dan who I share all of my classes with. He's funny, and he smiles at me alot. And we like the same bands. I offered to help him with his homework on Monday. This one other woman yelled at me the other day because I like fruit flavored tootsie rolls. I got a b+ on my first assignment in my Psychology of Art class. I was disappointed that I didn't get an A. It could have been because I had it done on time...I just forgot to turn it in. I should then be happy with a b+.
I'm starting to like Duluth/Superior altogether. I was driving over the Blatnik Bridge this week, and I thought to myself, "I'm starting to really like this place." Of course it helps to have the perfect music on the radio. I can't wait til spring and summer when things get prettier. Right now it's just industrial gray, and cold. The lights are pretty at night though. I can't wait to see leaves on the trees. Even though I love school, and the area, I'm pretty sure that the hotel stays are going to get lonely. And even though I love the area, it doesn't mean that my car does. My cars been acting weird lately and someone told me that I might need new ball bearings. I don't even know what those do. It's a good thing I have a brother in law who is a mechanic.
Here is something that kind of made me excited. This week some girl asked me if I was a freshman in college. I looked at the person next to me and said, "Yay, I'm young!"

Profound statement of my week: "The youth is wasted on the young."

Shampoo by Pete Yorn

Here I go again
Late for another passing train
Oh the good times we had
Another morning comes
Left another record on
Had a good night..oh

(Run away)
Last thing I remember
(Run away)
Things were getting better
I'd go anywhere with you

So we rise
Off to make another run of it
To pass the time we say goodbye
Here we are enclosed
Wake me up and ready to go
Oh the sun's out tonight

(Run away)
Last thing I remember
(Run away)
Things were getting better
(Run away)
Last thing I remember, things were getting better
I'd go anywhere with you

Here I go again
Late for another passing train
Oh the good times lie ahead, oh, oh

(Run away)
Last thing I remember, things were getting better
(Run away)
Last thing I remember, things were getting better
(Run away)
Last thing I remember, things were getting better
I'd go anywhere with you

A girl Like You

Someday
I'll look into her green eyes
And know that she'll come with me
A girl like you

Too many
Things I do not care for
But one thing that I adore
Is a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you

Tomorrow
I think I'll tell you something
The thing that I haven't said
To a girl like you

And even if
I don't know what the day will bring
Still I can tell most anything
To a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you
It's okay
With a girl like you
A girl like you

I've always loved that song. It's by my favorite singer Pete Yorn. I'm sure that I have at least ten friends who hear Pete Yorn and think of me. He isn't that popular in the music industry...but he stole my heart the first time I ever heard him. I remember exactly where I was. I was a senior in high school coming home from Marquette Bank, before it was bulldozed...I was under a bright street light that made everything seem slightly off color like an old photograph. Life on a Chain came on the radio. I turned it up half way through the first verse and listened to the words, "as a joke,I sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked, I knew it made you feel dirty," He won me over instantly. I waited for the song to end to hear the name of the artist...but they never announced it. I got home and for the life of me couldn't remember enough of the words to look it up on the computer. So I lost this great song.
A year later, I was on a roommate date with my roommates and some guys and we saw the movie John Q. In the middle of the movie my song came on. I said a little too loudly, "I love that song!" And so after the movie I made all of my roommates wait until the end of the movie so that I could see the name of the artist in the credits. I've been a fan of Pete Yorn ever since. I went to one concert all by myself. It was worth it too.

On a different note, I started the graduate program at the University of Wisconsin this last week. I'm not going to lie. It was hard. The classes weren't hard, but the rest of it was hard. the being alone at night, and the unfamiliar places. I have to start an internship soon, and I don't know if I am ready for it. Luckily it's only for about 3 1/2 hours a week in the beginning. I'm nervous though. This week I am going to substitute teach for the first time in two years. I hated it enough the first time, and now I am back.
I think the thing that got me through last week was the support from my family and friends. I didn't expect so much support but I got it. My two best friends from college texted and called me, and my brother texted me to see how I was doing, and my mom and talked on the phone at least twice a day. My other friends write messages to me on Facebook and Myspace. Sometimes I think its easy to forget how many people you have caring about you. This week was a good reminder. PRAISE GOD!

Cold As You

This is me.




You have a way of coming easily to me.
And when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted.

(CHORUS)
Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray.
And I stood there lovin' you and WISHED them all away.
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

(CHORUS)
Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
So just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You never did give a damn thing, honey.
But I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you.
(Died for you)

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day. Every smile you fake is so condescending.
Counted all the scars you made.
Now that I'm sittin here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you
-Taylor Swift