I felt the incredible need to blog today. I have erased all of my previous blogs because there was no purpose to them. I wanted to sound important, like I knew what I was talking about. It turns out I don't. I have no idea what I am doing in my life, and I have no idea why things have taken such a wrong turn.
About a month ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I was let go from my job. And it was because of a mistake I made. Something I would take back in a second. I instructed the subsitute to show a video that I hadn't previewed all the way through. I previewed the first half, and it was fine. But the second half was extremely inappropriate. It included things like heroin use, bare breasts, swearing, etc. The substitute didn't make a good judgement call and proceeded to show the inappropriate footage for not only one class, but two. She wrote down the parts she found inappropriate and turned them in to my principal.

The mistake I made was small, followed by a large mistake made by my substitute. As the teacher, I had to take responsibility for both mistakes. My principal made me feel so awful about it, like I had done it on purpose, and then he decided it wasn't worth it to him, to keep me as a teacher at the school. I am still at the school, but my contract for next year will not be renewed. I asked my principal why I was still being let go, even though the kids are over it, and it seems like the parents are over it as well. My principal gave me some crap about how parents complaints comes in waves, and if I am there at the beginning of the next school year, there will be complaints. Basically he is a coward, and no matter how much the students enjoy having me as a teacher, he is not willing to stick up for me to some wealthy stay at home moms who don't have anything better to do than to complain about their child's education.

At first I was okay with it, I understood that it would be hard to have a teacher that the parents didn't trust. And I thought that I could bounce back. It seemed so easy. I was going to get another job, and leave this school behind me. I wasn't ever going to look back. Now a month later, I am realizing that I have another month to go of this, and I am finding it incredibly hard to finish up my school year. I had a job interview last week, and so I was kind of counting on getting hired. They are hiring 14 new art teachers, and I have a year of experience. My principal told me that there aren't that many art teachers around who are looking for jobs. I haven't gotten a call, and it has been a week. I have been praying and praying that God would give me a second chance, at this new school district.

I have a feeling that if I don't get hired somewhere soon, I am going to realize that I am not as resilient as I feel. I have been recovering quite well. For someone who has a hard time with anxiety and depression, I haven't been feeling that broken. I have had a few experiences in the last few years that I think have helped me be prepared for what happened. I'm scared that things will not look up, and that I will sink, down, down, and down further. I don't really know what I will do if I don't have a teaching job by the end of the summer. I don't really know how I can enjoy my summer, if I don't know where I am going to be in the fall. I am tired of working two jobs, and I am tired of working at the childcare center. I love the babies, but I don't feel like my life is going anywhere. I feel like I am standing still. My life is stagnant. I am stagnant. I haven't even gotten out everything that I want to say. But I needed to get this out, because everything I want to say starts with this. This is what's happening now, it's always on my mind, and I need to get it out. It is done.