VD: Valentine's Day or Venereal Disease

My brother gave me the title for this blog. I love him. If God were to have created me as a man I would be...Jimmy Williamson. We thought we were twins for a while when we were little, we didn't get that when I had a birthday, it actually made me a year older. But still, 14 months apart is pretty close.
Valentine's Day is in two weeks. It has been a sore spot for me since I was about 15 years old. Never a good one, always lonely. A boyfriend is something that I've always wanted, but never been blessed with. Sometimes I wonder if when I finally do meet someone, I will just find something else to be discontent with. This doesn't sound like a very good deal. Is a relationship everything I imagine it to be? The complaints I hear from family and friends about their spouses make me realize that it isn't always sunshine and lollipops. I also think about being available to go where God wants me to go, and how a husband and children would play into that. Ultimately, I think that God has put the desire to be a wife and a mother inside of me for a reason. Lately, I have been praying for God to take away that desire until the time comes for me to fall in love.
Though being happy with myself is a daily love/hate relationship, I am altogether happy. Life has been a little hard lately, and I presume it will get even more difficult since it is only the third week of the semester, but I feel like I am where God wants me to be in my life. I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways. Even though I am currently frustrated with God, I can see him working all of the time in my life. Tonight at church, it seemed like God had been in my mind all week, and had designed a sermon to address everything. Even one of the key verses was one that I put on my facebook profile this week.
I'm celebrating Valentine's Day this year. Not with anyone special, but with everyone special. I think I will bring some cupcakes to church (since Valentine's Day is on a Sunday) and share them with some of the volunteers. And maybe all of my family members deserve to get something fun. Let Valentine's Day not be about who finds me special, but about who I find special. If God has chosen for me to be single right now, it doesn't mean that I am not loved, it only means that it just isn't time yet. Searching for someone is pointless when it only takes one person to find you irreplaceable. And God definitely finds me irreplaceable. I am filled with love, I love this life, I love the bright winter sunsets, the rabbits that run away everytime I open my front door, the wiener dog I saw today with the sweater, and the amazing family and friends who love me back. Thank you God, for giving me the ability to appreciate these things!

Highs and Lows of this week.

Let's start with the highs...still waiting...okay I found a few.
1. I knew the answer to a question that my classmates did not. I was also able to offer help to one of my classmates when he didn't know how to take an assessment. An assessment that I had to figure out all by myself.
2. There was a really bright sunset today. Most people like sunsets in the summer, but I prefer the winter ones. They are so much brighter, and in my mind more appreciated...my hypothesis is that the sun is closer to the earth?
3. I got to hug two of my sisters today.
4. I ate at Acapulco for Jolie's birthday on Monday.
5. My ethics professor has turned out to be really funny, and he swears alot, which makes me giggle.
6. I am now officially...overweight. I started at morbidly obese, through obese, to overweight. Next stop...normal?

Lows... I have a few.
1. Umm...Sunday. Bad day overall.
2. My internship interview...I won't know if I got it for 3 or 4 weeks. This stress is unneeded in my life.
3. The cars right in front of me today, got into an accident while on the exit ramp close to my house, when I was already in a rush.
4. The 3 page paper I wrote in about 40 minutes this afternoon.
5. I discovered I am undesirable and bought 3 new zip up hoodies to commemorate this momentous occasion. I now have 6.
6. There was a man with Downs Syndrome at Latin Hip Hop this week who kept standing on the stage, lifting up his shirt,' and saying, "I am sexy." This will make everyone laugh, because it is indeed hilarious to think about, but at the time it was pretty uncomfortable, and I was nervous he was going to get even more inappropriate.
7. I can't sleep at night. My head keeps spinning, my eyes close, but there is no sleep. I am exhausted. I've never had problems sleeping in the past, I don't know what this means.

I pray everyday, throughout the day, I understand that some weeks aren't as good as others. Even though this one kind of sucked, and I am tired, I am letting God lead. I feel like recently God has had a hold of most decisions in my life, and it feels good. It comes as a relief that I don't have to stress so much. Toil. Worry. This is a new thing for me...the girl who used to give herself stomachaches when she was little, just from worrying. I remember at the age of 9 feeling so overwhelmed with the ideas of the universe, time, and heaven, that I worked myself up until I ran to my mother, crying. These are things that little girls aren't supposed to think about.

Let's hope next week is better...with more winter sunsets, good music, and funny stories from my ethics professor.

Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus

A few years ago, when I was in a meal group at The Upper Room, we were assigned to read this book. However, I wasn't at a place in my life where I felt very interested in what McManus had to say. Though he was an excellent speaker, I wasn't pursuing God's will for my life very closely. I was recovering from God pretty much knocking me flat on my face, and I was hurt. I read the first chapter, and put it on a shelf. A lot has changed since then. A few months ago, I felt this book calling me from the shelf in my room. I am so glad that I read it.
In Chasing Daylight, McManus uses 1 Samuel chapter 14 and the story of Jonathon fighting the Philistines as a baseline for the entire book. For those of you who aren't familiar with this Bible story, Jonathon takes himself and one armor bearer to fight the Philistines, while his father, the king, sits underneath a tree because he is too fearful of these giants. McManus talks about not letting divine moments pass you by, being motivated to move even when you are uncertain. You should read the book, you really should. Here is one part of many, that has inspired me.

One of the most asked questions among sincere followers of Jesus Christ is, "What is God's will for my life?" We want a detailed map or plan. We want God to spell it out so we can follow the instructions. Too often we want it clear and uncomplicated, but God simply does not work like that. For a lot of us the most spiritual thing we can do is to do something- to turn right when we want to turn left. So we must move beyond simply choosing between right and wrong. We must resolve not only to leave the path of doing evil, but also to passionately pursue a life of doing good.
The danger is getting stuck in between the two, living your life in the neutral zone. No real evil to speak about, but no great good to be proud of either. This takes us beyond having nothing to be ashamed of to being ashamed of doing nothing. It is rarely counted as evil when we live in neutral. At worst a passive life is only pitied, yet God counts it as a tragedy when we choose to simply watch life rather than live it. Jesus described as wicked the person who leaves his talent unused. When we fail to choose, we choose to fail. You cannot put your life on hold. It moves forward with or without your approval. Choosing not to choose does not put off the problem; it only exacerbates it.
God designed us to move through time with intentionality. Even waiting on God is a proactive activity. Whether it's reflection or revoluction, each moment deserves our creative engagement. (McManus, p. 45-46)
You can find McManus at a church called Mosaic, a multi-campus church in the L.A. area. Here is the web address.
www.mosaic.org
There are also podcasts available. And anyone can borrow my copy of this book. He has other books which I have not read, but are on my list. In my opinion, this is a great book for a church to read as a group.

I will follow where you lead...I hope.

I had a lot to write about today. But I settled on this. I want to go on a missions trip with my church. This wouldn't seem like a problem to any normal person, who is experiencing God calling them to help others. But for me, this poses as a problem.
I had a bad experience when travelling to the Dominican Republic when I was in college. What was meant to be a 3 week class on painting, turned into a 3 day nightmare, that comes back to haunt me whenever I travel to new places. I won't go into details about what caused me to come home, only that it was my first time out of the country, and there were many complications during the beginning of the trip, which caused me to have a panic attack. After getting home, I sank into a deep depression which lasted for several weeks. It left me feeling completely helpless, wiping out the notion that I had any strength as a human being. This sounds a bit drastic, but I can't really describe it any other way. For someone who has never had a panic attack, it would be hard to know what I am talking about. The best way I can describe it, is to tell someone to close their eyes and picture themselves drowning, really try to experience it. Then open their eyes, and see that they aren't drowning...they are in a line at Starbucks, but oh wait...the feeling is still there. You can't breathe, you are scared, you are sweating, your heart feels like it is going to stop beating at any moment. Imagine feeling like this when you are with people you don't know very well, in a foreign country for the very first time. You don't speak the language, and you can't describe how you are feeling to anyone, because you have no idea what it is. There is nothing physically wrong with you, its all in your head. And you have no control over it.
The Dominican trip wasn't the last time this happened. The positive thing is that through these experiences, I have become more aware of what triggers it. The only problem is, that I fear that it will happen if I go on a missions trip. The fear alone is pretty consuming. I really hate this, because I'm not an idiot, I know that there is nothing physically keeping me from going, I know that it is not a physical illness. It is a fear, a panic, that won't go away. I see this as a huge weakness. Something that makes me inferior (though I have no control over it). My own brother used to think that I was overreacting, that I just needed to not worry so much about it...until he himself experienced a panic attack. Then he found himself wrapping his arms around me, sobbing uncontrollably, because I knew what he was feeling. It's called the fight or flight mechanism in your brain. Your body senses that it is under attack (when it is not), and you get the physical feelings of needing to fight or flee. I go with the fleeing.
I consider myself a pretty free spirit. I want to go to other countries and go where God calls me. I've always been taught that when God leads you to go somewhere, you go! When God needs you for something, you are there. I grew up in a house with a mother who never turned away someone who needed a place to stay. Great grandmothers, grandmothers, uncles, nieces and nephews, friends, boyfriends (not mine), all lived under our roof during my childhood. Of course at different times. If I remember correctly, at one time we had 9 people living at our house. And it wasn't a big house.
I feel like an adventurous person, stuck in a worry warts body! I think that I would do well if I had someone to go with me, to look out for me, to just know what I am dealing with. But our church is huge, I'm eternally single, and my family doesn't have my bug for missions.
There are so many places I want to go in my life. I would be deeply saddened if I missed out on opportunities because of something that is all in my head. It's hard not to blame yourself, when it is in fact YOUR brain that is faulty. I guess I need to do some praying...that God sends me someone to accompany me on my journey, or the reassurance that I am a strong woman of God, who has what it takes. Maybe others can do that for me as well.

You Make It Real For Me

I ran into this song when I was running this week. It made me feel happy, and a little more at peace with life. I decided that it's my song for God. All of the lyrics say what I want to say. Since then I've be playing it over and over again. I haven't had the most awesome week. A week where I lay face first on the floor of my bedroom in silence. If sounds weird, but it works for me.

So much craziness surroundin me
So much goin on, it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure about my priorities
When I've lost site of where I'm meant to be
Like holy water washin over me
You make it real for me

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words
You teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me, yeah

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talkin in words I don't understand
You got to be the only one who knows just who I am
You're shinin in the distance, I hope I can make it through
Cause the only place that I want to be
Is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me
Yes, you do, you make it real for me

Today was Latin Hip Hop day at the YMCA. At least for me it was. I didn't want to go. I've been feeling like crap all week, I'm hormonal, and achy. Earlier this week I made a vow that when I get married I am going to put frown faces on the calendar for one week a month. As if to warn my husband, "This probably isn't going to work out well for you." Not that I'm a complete jerk...I'm just tired, and I cry for absolutely no reason.
So anyways, I felt like crap. But I made myself go. I ate half of a donut at work today...my arch enemy. But I am not ashamed. After finishing it, I said, "That was totally worth it." I have become a firm believer that if you blow it, you embrace your decision, and at least let yourself experience the pleasure of...in my case the donut. Otherwise, you're actions are totally in vane if you don't at least enjoy it. So eating half of a donut led me to go to the gym.
I first started Latin Hip Hop last June. I remember how tired and out of breath I was after the first class. It is advertised as a high energy class. And for someone who is overweight, these are code words for...you're going to die. But I went, and it was fun, even though I was sore for days after. The first few times I did the workout, I couldn't do things that everyone else could do, I found myself quitting some of the dances early and making the excuse to go drink some water. I hung out in the back row, in the corner...to go unnoticed. When I first started, I felt like a Butterball Turkey, trying to shake her hips, and get low low low low. I was making the motions, but oh wait...you can't tell, because I have no waistline. I felt so unattractive, hence the reason I hid in the corner.
The last two weeks I have noticed a major difference in my progress. Last week, I realized that I didn't actually have sweat on my face until the class was almost over. And today I was noticing a few other things. I can jump. I can jump high, and I can jump fast. I feel lighter on my feet. For the first time ever, I was watching myself dance in the mirrors in the fitness studio, and I actually look (almost) like the instructor. I almost appear seductive, wiggling my hips. I know...its hard to believe, April Kay...the girl who dropped out of middle school cheerleading because she was forced to do push ups, dropping it like it's hot.
When I was done with the workout today, I felt better. My mood was better and I wasn't in pain. I've been noticing lately, that exercise is a healer in many ways. Here's a gross example... it clears my sinuses :) People use illness, stress and depression as an excuse, but it actually makes you feel better. If anyone wants to join me in Latin Hip Hop class on Wednesday nights, with Butt Sweat Jimi, you are welcome! (we'll have to check out guest passes)I have graduated from the back row, to the second-to-back row. It's a big step for me :)
Sidenote: If you do come to Latin Hip Hop, stay away from interacting with Butt Sweat Jimi before class. Today he comes up to me and says, "Is this your first time?" I said, "Nope" He says, "Second time?" I shake my head "no". He says, "You've been here many times? You are always back here hiding." In my head, I am thinking, "I'm here all the time, back off Creepo!" You see, Butt Sweat Jimi looks like a homeless person. He comes into the Y, wearing a trench coat, hooded sweatshirt, flip flops with socks, carrying several bags...oh and I forgot to mention that he looks like a cross between Charles Manson, and a pirate. If you don't dodge eye contact, he is likely to try dancing with you before class. No thanks.
My name is April Williamson, and I've got the moves.

The heart is a lonely hunter...and mine preys in the Cub Foods Bakery Department

Cub Foods is open 24 hours. I'm sure that not too many people take advantage of their grocery store being open at 3 a.m. But for a night owl like myself, the Cub Foods Bakery Department was always an oasis of comfort in the middle of the night. Cake, cheesecake, and cookies are all good, but the donuts, OH the donuts, were where my heart fluttered. Two donuts, a glass of milk, and a movie. This was the entertainment for the evening. Comfort foods for someone who was bored, depressed, lonely, for any struggle in life. If you can't fix it right now, EAT! Stressed about work? EAT! Still single? EAT! (eating was also justifiable by the idea that I was too fat for anyone to find attractive)
You are trapped in a life where your comforter is your enemy.

It is an addiction. A desparation to find a little happiness...quickly. A drug...made of sugar, milk, flour, and eggs.

Don't think that I hadn't tried relying on God...Oh dear I have. Prayed and begged for help to fight the temptation. But how does God help you fight temptation when the things you do become such a habit that without even thinking, you are shoving food into your mouth? It's not temptation when its a thoughtless habit. You feel ripped off when you are trying so hard to do well, but without even thinking, you are in the refrigerater, eating a leftover piece of pizza?

I went to the grocery store tonight. I was missing my old love. I wandered through the bakery department...lingered...tried sweet talking myself into buying SOMETHING! But buying 1 donut brings me immediate anxiety. It makes me into this person who is weak, pathetic, and helpless (this is the way people feel after giving in to temptation). I moved away from the donuts, and onto the cookies and brownies. But they don't sell these things unless they are in a pack of 6, 12, 24. And there is no way on God's green earth, that I am bringing an entire pack of these things home! So I moved on to the rest of the grocery store. I needed something GOOD! Headed for the Pop Tarts (200 calories for 1 pastry...who eats ONE!), Swiss Cake Rolls (270 calories for 2 cakes), muffins ( I don't want to know how bad these are). The Pop Tarts were the only things that made it into my cart. And then made it back onto the shelf. Couldn't do it.
But don't think I gave up and went home. Oh no, I went back to the bakery department. Stared at the donuts...oh the donuts. And for a moment I felt anxious, sad, and defeated. Not because I was giving in to the temptation, but because I knew that I was going home empty handed.
Almost empty handed. The groceries I ended up with included:
3 different kinds of cheese (high protein diet)
Box of crackers
Almonds
Super Glue
Milk
Box of 100 Calorie Hostess Cupcakes- Strawberry flavor (end result of much turmoil)

You may be asking yourself, "April, why can't you just eat 1 donut?" Though I do have a piece of cake or a cookie once in a while, my response would be this:

"My name is April Kay, and I am a doughnaholic."

P.S. I've decided that I like going to the grocery store after going to the gym. It adds some extra guilt. :)

Peace-Jennifer Knapp

He is my Light and my Salvation
whom have i to fear
in His secret place i'll hide and pray
that i might hear a simple word

o, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
i can lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

and when my enemies draw near
i pray that they will find
that i'm protected and secure
all tempests He will bind with a mighty word

o, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
i can lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have i to fear?

Goals for 2010

1. Travel to another country (next December you may see me heading up to Canada to fulfill this goal...however it is not what I have in mind)

2. Graduate from the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at St. Mary's.

3. Get more involved at Eaglebrook...maybe be a small group leader? (this seems a little frightening to me).

4. Convince my body that we're not done losing weight.

5. Paint more.

6. Blog more.

7. Love more.

8. Hug more.

9. Type all 54 of my journals onto my computer in case there is ever a fire (When I started journaling when I was 12, I never dreamed that it would evolve into this!)

10. Read alot of books (I've been on a reading frenzy lately).

11. Boyfriend??? (this one always makes the list)

12. If #11 doesn't happen, be more content with being single...and inspire others to see being single as an opportunity for an adventure!