I had a lot to write about today. But I settled on this. I want to go on a missions trip with my church. This wouldn't seem like a problem to any normal person, who is experiencing God calling them to help others. But for me, this poses as a problem.
I had a bad experience when travelling to the Dominican Republic when I was in college. What was meant to be a 3 week class on painting, turned into a 3 day nightmare, that comes back to haunt me whenever I travel to new places. I won't go into details about what caused me to come home, only that it was my first time out of the country, and there were many complications during the beginning of the trip, which caused me to have a panic attack. After getting home, I sank into a deep depression which lasted for several weeks. It left me feeling completely helpless, wiping out the notion that I had any strength as a human being. This sounds a bit drastic, but I can't really describe it any other way. For someone who has never had a panic attack, it would be hard to know what I am talking about. The best way I can describe it, is to tell someone to close their eyes and picture themselves drowning, really try to experience it. Then open their eyes, and see that they aren't drowning...they are in a line at Starbucks, but oh wait...the feeling is still there. You can't breathe, you are scared, you are sweating, your heart feels like it is going to stop beating at any moment. Imagine feeling like this when you are with people you don't know very well, in a foreign country for the very first time. You don't speak the language, and you can't describe how you are feeling to anyone, because you have no idea what it is. There is nothing physically wrong with you, its all in your head. And you have no control over it.
The Dominican trip wasn't the last time this happened. The positive thing is that through these experiences, I have become more aware of what triggers it. The only problem is, that I fear that it will happen if I go on a missions trip. The fear alone is pretty consuming. I really hate this, because I'm not an idiot, I know that there is nothing physically keeping me from going, I know that it is not a physical illness. It is a fear, a panic, that won't go away. I see this as a huge weakness. Something that makes me inferior (though I have no control over it). My own brother used to think that I was overreacting, that I just needed to not worry so much about it...until he himself experienced a panic attack. Then he found himself wrapping his arms around me, sobbing uncontrollably, because I knew what he was feeling. It's called the fight or flight mechanism in your brain. Your body senses that it is under attack (when it is not), and you get the physical feelings of needing to fight or flee. I go with the fleeing.
I consider myself a pretty free spirit. I want to go to other countries and go where God calls me. I've always been taught that when God leads you to go somewhere, you go! When God needs you for something, you are there. I grew up in a house with a mother who never turned away someone who needed a place to stay. Great grandmothers, grandmothers, uncles, nieces and nephews, friends, boyfriends (not mine), all lived under our roof during my childhood. Of course at different times. If I remember correctly, at one time we had 9 people living at our house. And it wasn't a big house.
I feel like an adventurous person, stuck in a worry warts body! I think that I would do well if I had someone to go with me, to look out for me, to just know what I am dealing with. But our church is huge, I'm eternally single, and my family doesn't have my bug for missions.
There are so many places I want to go in my life. I would be deeply saddened if I missed out on opportunities because of something that is all in my head. It's hard not to blame yourself, when it is in fact YOUR brain that is faulty. I guess I need to do some praying...that God sends me someone to accompany me on my journey, or the reassurance that I am a strong woman of God, who has what it takes. Maybe others can do that for me as well.
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