Cub Foods is open 24 hours. I'm sure that not too many people take advantage of their grocery store being open at 3 a.m. But for a night owl like myself, the Cub Foods Bakery Department was always an oasis of comfort in the middle of the night. Cake, cheesecake, and cookies are all good, but the donuts, OH the donuts, were where my heart fluttered. Two donuts, a glass of milk, and a movie. This was the entertainment for the evening. Comfort foods for someone who was bored, depressed, lonely, for any struggle in life. If you can't fix it right now, EAT! Stressed about work? EAT! Still single? EAT! (eating was also justifiable by the idea that I was too fat for anyone to find attractive)
You are trapped in a life where your comforter is your enemy.
It is an addiction. A desparation to find a little happiness...quickly. A drug...made of sugar, milk, flour, and eggs.
Don't think that I hadn't tried relying on God...Oh dear I have. Prayed and begged for help to fight the temptation. But how does God help you fight temptation when the things you do become such a habit that without even thinking, you are shoving food into your mouth? It's not temptation when its a thoughtless habit. You feel ripped off when you are trying so hard to do well, but without even thinking, you are in the refrigerater, eating a leftover piece of pizza?
I went to the grocery store tonight. I was missing my old love. I wandered through the bakery department...lingered...tried sweet talking myself into buying SOMETHING! But buying 1 donut brings me immediate anxiety. It makes me into this person who is weak, pathetic, and helpless (this is the way people feel after giving in to temptation). I moved away from the donuts, and onto the cookies and brownies. But they don't sell these things unless they are in a pack of 6, 12, 24. And there is no way on God's green earth, that I am bringing an entire pack of these things home! So I moved on to the rest of the grocery store. I needed something GOOD! Headed for the Pop Tarts (200 calories for 1 pastry...who eats ONE!), Swiss Cake Rolls (270 calories for 2 cakes), muffins ( I don't want to know how bad these are). The Pop Tarts were the only things that made it into my cart. And then made it back onto the shelf. Couldn't do it.
But don't think I gave up and went home. Oh no, I went back to the bakery department. Stared at the donuts...oh the donuts. And for a moment I felt anxious, sad, and defeated. Not because I was giving in to the temptation, but because I knew that I was going home empty handed.
Almost empty handed. The groceries I ended up with included:
3 different kinds of cheese (high protein diet)
Box of crackers
Almonds
Super Glue
Milk
Box of 100 Calorie Hostess Cupcakes- Strawberry flavor (end result of much turmoil)
You may be asking yourself, "April, why can't you just eat 1 donut?" Though I do have a piece of cake or a cookie once in a while, my response would be this:
"My name is April Kay, and I am a doughnaholic."
P.S. I've decided that I like going to the grocery store after going to the gym. It adds some extra guilt. :)
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