This Year
I've decided that this year, at some time, I want to be on a sports team. For most people, that doesn't sound like that big of a deal. But outside of gym class, I have never been on a sports team. My parents didn't push me, and I didn't want to do it. I never felt like I was good enough, and I didn't want to be the worst on the team. I was scared to play with kids I didn't know. Once I got to a certain age, it was almost gauranteed that everyone was going to be better than me, because they had been doing it for years. So I decided it wasn't for me.
For some reason, within the last few months, I have decided that this is silly. So this is a goal. I am going to be on a sports team. I don't know what kind of team it will be...but I'm terrified, and looking forward to it at the same time.
I've also decided that before I die, I want to go skydiving. I'm a few years away from that I think...but who knows right?
He Ain't the Leavin Kind
They tried their best to drag him out
of a courthouse down in Montgomery
And now they wanna kick him out of school
And take him off our money
They can take those words off of
Paper and stone
But he ain't gone, no
Chorus:
He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
Even from those who don't believe
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
She stayed mad at him for a lot of years
For takin' her husband
Started losin' her faith
And thinkin' that her life meant nothin'
But when she looks at those kids she raised all by herself
She knows she had some help, yeah
She knows
Repeat Chorus
No matter what you do
No matter where you go
He's always right there with you
Even from those you don't believe
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
No, no
He ain't the leavin' kind
He ain't the leavin' kind
Woo, woo
He ain't the leavin' kind
For some reason, this song makes me get chills. This song makes me sob a little. I can't explain it. The lyrics aren't very poetic, it probably didn't take very much inmagination to write this song, but for some strange reason, I hear this song and I shutter. The feeling that comes over me, is sometimes the only reason I believe that God exists. The longer between times I spend with God, the stronger this feeling is. When I was younger, I told my mom that I didn't know what the Holy Spirit actually did. She asked me if I ever felt the hair stand up on the back of my neck, or goose bumps appear on my arms when hearing a song or a story about God. I told her that I did, and she said, "To me, that's the Holy Spirit." I've decided that I believe this, but maybe my ideas of the Holy Spirit go a little bit further. I believe that God is up in heaven, with Jesus. He chooses to stay up there until the end of time. But the Holy Spirit acts as the intercessor who goes anywhere and who knows all of our needs, hopes, and dreams. It is what communicates with God about our needs. Others will disagree, but this is what makes the most sense to me.
I'm Gonna Let Him Fly
Ain't no talkin to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that so
I'm gonna let him fly
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly
There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go
And there ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly
Waiting Wishing Hoping
I am waiting for several things in life right now. To name a few; a job, a letter from the university I am applying to, a call from a credit consolidator, a boyfriend, a burst of energy to lose some weight/clean my room/clean the house/paint, a plan for my future, a miracle. You get the idea.
I find it hard to rest. I manage to get some sleep at night, but if there was ever a time that I didn't feel an ache of uncertainty and loneliness in my heart, I must have missed it.
When it comes to my bills, I feel like the longer they go unpaid, the worse my future is going to be. The longer my bills go unpaid, the less of a chance there is for me to get loans for graduate school.
Most of my problems right now are financial. It's weighing me DOWN! Could I just find a husband who could pay for all of my bills? Or could I get a teaching job to take responsibility for MYSELF and pay all of my bills?
AHHHHH!
I'm Gonna Make You Love Me-The Jayhawks
The world never ends
It's only the beginning
And we can't pretend
To discover it's meaning
We talked for hours at a time
Then I came to my senses
You're more than a friend
You're my perfect lover
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years
It's the least I can do
Just to make you my baby
No words could describe
Oh, pinch me I'm dreaming
Your hair's long and black
As it lays 'cross my pillow
When I stare in your eyes
I get lost in your glory
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years
When you were a little girl
Your great big world came tumbling down
So sad
Yeah, the river it bends
But it flows to the ocean
And baby here I am
I'm your sea of devotion
I'll never be all you want me to
But that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
And we're gonna stay together
For a million years....
I get knocked down
In the past few weeks I have been trying frantically to get my graduate school application ready to submit. I feel that God is calling me to go back to school. I chose two different programs to apply for, and I don't really have a clue what my chances are for getting into either program.
Recently I had a professor refuse to give me a recommendation for the program I was applying for. He told me that he "couldn't with a clear conscience recommend me for the program." He was also my advisor and the strongest recommendation would have been from him. But for some reason unknown, he decided that I wasn't qualified. The puzzling thing is that I got A's and B's in his classes, and he was always so encouraging about pursuing a career as an artist. It sent me into hysterics of course because I am uneasy about applying to grad school in the first place. Six months ago I lost my job. This summer I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. I have also had problems with relationships lately, and I spent the whole summer looking for a teaching job that wouldn't come. Finally when I feel like I know what I want to do, it seems like there is no possibility in sight.
But I haven't given up all hope yet. Today I received an email from my favorite professor at my university. He served as my advisor when my designated advisor wasn't around. He knows me the best out of all of the professors. In the email he said that he was willing to give me a recommendation. I was relieved. Now I only need to find one more.
In the end I have no control over if I get into the program or not. I guess I have control over the interview...and I should be a little worried about that. I am terrible at interviews. But if I don't even get an interview, then there won't be anything to stress out about.
The program I am trying the hardest to get into is in Superior, Wisconsin. It's right across the border from Duluth, which is about 3 hours away from my home. I would have to move up there if I decided to go to school there. That makes me incredibly nervous.
The other program is in Minneapolis at St. Mary's University. It is for Marriage and Family Therapy, but they offer some art therapy coursework. This program would take more work after I got my degree if I still wanted to pursue art therapy. I would still have to go to Superior, or somewhere farther away to get more education.
If I don't get into one of these programs, I don't know what I am going to do. This is what I feel that I would be good at doing. I need to prepare myself for a let down, because I don't want to come crashing down into a panic attack if I don't have a plan.
Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so attached to home. I wish that I didn't feel a huge panic when thinking about moving out on my own. For a long time, I was okay with it. I did fine in college. I was even fine for a long period afterwards. But I have become attached to this place again. And I don't know if I will have a good base of friends to snap me out of my homesickness when I get to where I am going. Right now I have two guy friends who are obsessed with weightlifting and hitting on skinny college chicks who every year get younger and younger than them.
When nothing satisfies you...hold my hand. -Jennifer Knapp
On Your Way
I hope he never hurts you like I know I hurt you
but I was undecided and it was all that I could do
but if he says he loves you like I know I loved you
then there's a way to trust him, and I'll get over you
so let his heart surround you, and let his arms protect you
and hold you every morning the way that I could never do
another life has blessed you, he wants the same as you do
so I must find the courage to send you on your way
all the nights reflecting in our chance connecting
help me find the meaning in the life I had with you
I wish I'd heard when you said that your heart could not wait
but it was my decision to send you on your way....
I hope he loves you like I loved you, I hope he knows you like I do
'cause if he loves you like I love you, then I can send you on your way...
The Roof is on Fire
Today I decided to take my dogs for a walk. I have never taken both of them at the same time...and I probably won't ever again. Digger is a Beagle puppy who runs wherever he goes. Sandy is a 4 year old Peekingese who has been an indoor dog since the day she was born. They kept up at the same pace until our walk was about half over, when Sandy started lagging behind. First the panting started, then she would try to stop on the path. At one point the walk was almost over and we were walking through a baseball field. All of a sudden I feel a strong tug on the leash. I look back and Sandy has taken it upon herself to lay down in the middle of the field. I decide that she probably really needs to rest. So I let her sit there for a minute, and then we move on home.
On my walk, I noticed some smoke lingering in the street. I looked to see if I could tell where it was coming from, but I couldn't trace it to anywhere. I thought that someone was maybe having a campfire, but it didn't smell like burning wood. As I got closer, I noticed that the smoke was coming from a shed. I immediately thought, "Well, mayb someone is smoking pot in there." I didn't want to knock on the door and reveal their secret hiding place, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized that there was ALOT of smoke. I decided to take my two tired dogs and ring the bell to see if anyone was home. Luckily, a man opened the door. I asked, "Do you have any reason why there is smoke billowing out of your shed." He said, "No, not that I can think of...I'll check it out." So he goes back there and opens it up. Black smoke comes pouring out. I asked him if he needed me to call the fire department. He said no, and got his garden hose and sprayed down the fire. He said that his lawn mower had started on fire. Once he had it under control, I left. I told my mom about it, and she said that he may have attempted to start his shed on fire to collect insurance money. I wanted to believe that it wasn't the case. And I don't know if it is. Either way I did the right thing.
Tonight I had a beer with my brother and a friend. It was supposed to be their guys night, but the other guys they have been spending time with went back to school. I told them that I was the pseudo guy, and wore a baseball hat. I don't think that I quite made up for the absense. There is only so much I can understand about video games, and movies that I have never seen. All in all, I think the time was still enjoyable.
This is Alyssa. She is the most amazing little girl, and she happens to be my niece. Today we were sitting together, putting together a puzzle, and she looks down and sees a burn that I had on my hand. She looks at it and cries, "Oh, what happened!" I explain to her that it was from an oven. And then I show her my knee. I say, "Look I have another ouey". My niece proceeds to remove the bandaid from the cut on her arm, and put it on my knee to cover my scrape. I thought to myself, "Now that is love." Kids love without thinking, and without needing to. I wish I could go back to that.
Alyssa gives me great joy. She lets me hold her, and she rests her head on my shoulder. Her parents wonder if she has ADHD, so it is really quite rare that she does that for anyone. When I left her house today, she puckered her lips, and gave me a chocolatey kiss, because she was eating a brownie. And it was wonderful.
Book Club
I have recently joined a book club. It used to be a meal group that I joined with a local church. The official meal group season ended in May. The girls in my group however, have decided to start a book club. I have never been in a book club before. I don't really know how it goes. I love the one I am in now, and I worry that when someday I go to another book club, I will find that it will not be as fun. We sit around and talk about life, and joke at one another's circumstances. We discuss brief thoughts and feelings about the book. There really isn't too much structure. I love it. It's so nice to have girls in your life who you don't see all of the time, but you still feel comfortable sharing with them your experiences. I like the book we are reading. It is called Ten Thousand Splendid Suns. I am not too sure what the title has to do with the book yet. But I hope it means something.
Today at book club we met at Lake Nokomis, and we had sandwiches, chips, potato salad, cookies, donuts and mojitos. We people watched and laughed at a woman who carried a stick like it was an extension of her right arm. These girls are all around my age, and its refreshing to know that there are some of us who still arent' married.
I am a little sad though, most of the girls in the group have lives to live in other places, and they will be moving soon. I will miss them alot. Sometimes I wonder why God has led me to meet these girls just to watch them leave. I won't know for a while. He could be showing me that it's not that hard to meet new friends. He also could be telling me that I don't need a man in my life, or the other way around. It's really up in the air.
On a random note, tonight I was hungry when I got home from all of my running around, and I was making turkey sandwiches for when I go to the beach tomorrow. Next to the turkey and cheese were a jar of peanut butter, and some honey. I decided to make myself a peanut butter, cheese, and honey sandwich. Now when you think about this initially, it would be gross, but it was actually quite tasty. I wouldn't offer this treat to anyone else, but it is going to be my own discovery.
Hire Me, PLEASE!
I am currently waiting to hear back from a job. I have been waiting since last Friday. I hate the whole job acquiring process. First you apply for tons of jobs. Then a few call you for an interview. You get all dressed up, practice what you are going to say, and try to psyche yourself out. You get to the interview, you answer their questions while trying to sound sincere. Then you ask them a few questions, still trying to sound sincere. Then you ask when you will hear from them, they tell you, and you get in your car and drive home. Then you wait. The waiting part after the interview is worse than the interview itself. The first day after your interview you are optimistic. The second day, some doubts creep in, but there is still reason to hope for a call back. They could be checking your references. By the third day, you know that they won't call back, at least not to ask you if you want the job. In a few weeks you will receive a letter in the mail saying that they appreciated your interest in the position, but they decided to hire one of the other candidates. Or you receive a call back, and they tell you in person. Those are the worst. You answer the phone thinking, "Oh yes, they are calling, that's a good sign." But then you get past the first three words of the conversation and realize that they are rejecting you. If you've been through job interviews like I have, you know that the process I have described is really quite common. Sometime last fall, I realized that within the last two years of my life, I have applied for at least 120 jobs, and gotten over 20 interviews, and this year I have had two already. I am an interview pro. But not the kind of pro you want to get advice from. I am the kind of pro who goes to interviews, and repeatedly bombs them. Don't ask me for advice. I will lead you down a path you don't want to take. I can give you advice on how to get an interview, but not how to get a job.
The interview I am waiting to hear back from is a school in Zimmerman. Only four people applied for the job. I was one of them obviously. The principal said not to expect a call until tomorrow, the 20th, but for some reason, waiting this long has filled my heart with doubt. Even though there are only 4 applicants, I feel like I am not the one who will be chosen. It could be because I have had to wait so long for an answer, and it's the feeling I always get after days of waiting. I felt very positive about the job in the beginning. Directly after the interview. But as time goes by, the doubts creep in and tell you all of the things that you did wrong. I know that this time for the most part I did well. But there could be someone who did even better. I always try to remain optimistic, but for the third summer in a row I am looking for a teaching job. I did not see this coming. If it were any other job, I would have given up looking a long time ago, but I love teaching. Even when I don't love it, I love it. I hate the parents, the PTA more specifically. I hate the nit-picky requirements we have to fulfill, I hate conferences, I hate plenty of it, but I love the kids. I'm not ready to give up. But I am VERY tired of trying.
How much is that doggy in the window?
Today my mom and I went to buy me some new glasses. They are nice glasses too. It's going to sound weird, but they have green Austrian Crystal in them. I was thinkin kind of like bling bling when I heard it, but it really doesn't stick out too much, and they give my face some personality.
When we were finished with the eye glass place, we went to the pet shop across the street. We had first gone in there on Friday night, we fell in love with this cute little beagle puppy who was the runt of the litter. We managed to leave on Friday, but today when we went in there, my mom really wanted to buy the dog. I thought the dog was cute too, but I was very reluctant to get another dog because I feel like we don't have room sometimes for the animals we have. My mom called my dad and he said that it was okay if we got it. So my mom paid for it today, and maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday we can take him home. We would have gotten him today, but he hasn't been eating hard food very much, and they want to see him gain a little more weight before they send him home with us. Right now, my brother and I have been arguing back and forth about who gets to name him. Except I want to have a name that everyone will like, and Jimmy doesn't name animals normal names. He named our cat, (who my mom and I call gus) Obi One Kanobi (spelling, who cares) and he named our dog Bud Light. He was stoned when he came up with that one. Now that I think of it, his friend told me that they got the dog stoned too. It could be why she sometimes appears retarded. She wasn't that smart to begin with. Those names are ridiculous, and I would never want to go for a walk with a dog named Bud Light. This is why our dogs name is Sandy. My sister picked the name, and I think it is lame. Tons of dogs are named Sandy. I was thinking of naming our name Benny, or Lucky. My mom was thinking about Buster or Buddy. I kind of like Buster. We'll see what my brother comes up with. Hopefully its not Michelob.
I'll have pictures soon. As soon as we get to take it home. I'm kind of excited. I'm not excited for the dog to poop in the house. Gross.
So Hungry
For the last few days, I have been trying to change the way I eat. So far I have been mildly successful. I have noticed a few things though. I am emotionally attached to food. When I don't get to eat what I want, I get moody. I also get depressed. I guess I never realized how much I depend on food to make me happy. I keep waiting for this "diet" to be over, so I can go back to eating food that I enjoy. Then I realize that it's only the 3rd day, and this is the way it needs to be for a long time. I won't say forever, because once I lose some weight, I can bring things back into my diet. Right now I need to focus on looking at food as a necessity to live. Not as a form of entertainment or enjoyment. When I was watching TV today, I saw advertisements for different restaurants, and the food looked so good, and I realized that I couldn't have any of it. It made me mad. I'm sure that I will indulge here and there, but for the most part, I need to concentrate on being strong. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to the kitchen and started looking for something to eat. There are Hershey Kisses on the kitchen table, and they are driving me crazy. I get hungry about every three hours, and I have to find things to eat that aren't going to hinder my weightloss.
Today we had a bad thunderstorm. I woke up in the afternoon to a tornado warning. I got to work and everyone was in the designated tornado area. The power was gone, and it didn't return for 2 hours. It was a hard day. I had to feed the babies, and there was only cold or room temperature milk, and a few of the babies refused to drink it, but continued to cry. At one time we had five out of eight babies crying. This job is quite a reality check for me when I think about having children. I know that right now I am not ready. I have no husband first of all, and I have no money.
My school was closed for tomorrow because of the storms. There is no electricity. I am so relieved. One less day to teach before summer vacation. I am looking forward to it so much.
This weekend I went to a wedding. I did not catch the bouquet. I always secretly hope that I will, but I don't try very hard for fear of appearing too desperate. I've caught two in my life. Both were a few years ago. It doesn't mean anything really. I just like the posibility of being the next person to get married. That however, will not happen soon. My younger brother informed me today that he would probably have children before me. I asked him why he thought that, hoping to catch him in the middle of an insult. And he only said, "Because I have sex more than you." That would definitely be true, because I don't have sex at all. He once told me that he could picture me getting pregnant from a toilet seat. I took that as a major insult, but now it is just an inside joke.
This weekend was also my niece Piper's birthday. She turned one. She is such a sweetheart and I love her to pieces. But when all of my nieces and nephews are yelling and screaming, I know that I'm not ready for kids quite yet. I think that working at a childcare center also cures me from wanting kids right now. Especially when four babies are all crying at once, and you are the only one in the room. Maybe someday.
Last week when I was absent from school, I received a phone call from the same substitute who had gotten me into so much trouble before. She was my substitute again, and she couldn't find some of the materials I had asked her to use. At the time she had woken me up, and I didn't realize that it was the same woman who was responsible for ending my career. Once I had woken up for the day, I looked at my email, and it turns out that she was the same woman. It really made me mad, that the principal had not taken it upon himself to make sure that she wasn't my substitute ever again. He said that he was going to do everything that he could, to help me get over what had happened. Not only was she my substitute again, but she was a substitute on the same day of the week, so she had all of those kids she showed the inappropriate video too. I was sick about it all day. And it still makes me angry. Just this week when I was teaching my students, the ones who had her last week, I realized that she had taught my fifth graders, the third grade lesson. She is not even competent enough to get basic instructions right.
The whole matter of the video tape is not over. I had been suspended for a week directly after the incident. On my last paycheck I had the money I would have earned that week, deducted from my paycheck. I thought that would be it. But yesterday when I received my paycheck, there was more money taken out. I called the woman from human resources in charge of payroll, and she said that she was instructed to take money out for the 8 days I was suspended. The time span I was gone was 8 days, but the amount of days I was supposed to work during that time, was only 4. So they took out twice as much money as they were supposed to. I emailed the director of human resources, but she has not emailed me back. I have this feeling that I will be screwed with this. To make matters a little worse, I was really county on that paycheck, and now I have $32 to my name, and I have over $200 worth of bills to pay. I won't get paid for another 2 weeks.
If I could rewind my life a few years, I just might. I would like to go back to when it was time to choose a major, or further back, to the time where it was my chance to start playing on a sports team in grade school. I wish I would have felt more self confident back then. I want to blame my parents, but what is the use, everyone blames their parents. You can't rewind time. My major may have also been chosen because of a lack of self confidence as well. I didn't think I was smart enough, and I knew I wasn't bad at art. Who knows what I could have accomplished. I talk like my life if over. At the moment, its hard to think two weeks in advance, let alone two months in advance, let alone two years in advance. I feel really lost right now. I feel like I am standing still and everyone is racing off in front of me. This weekend I will be attending my niece's first birthday party, and my friends wedding. Two examples of lives changing. My best friend had a baby two weeks ago. She seems happy, and tired at the same time. I don't even know when a baby is going to fit into my life. I want one, I do, but having one right now would be an unfortunate event. I am scared that I'm going to turn 30 and not be any closer to having a family.
There are a few good things in life right now. One of them is the meal group I have been attending. I signed up for a co-ed meal group. What's the harm in meeting a few men my age. But when I got to the first meeting, I realized that almost every 23 year old girl wanted a co-ed meal group. Therefore, my meal group consisted of 13 girls. All of whom were around 23 years old. By the end of the meal group, we were down to 5 girls, all of them single. These girls turned out to be just what I needed. I enjoy seeing them every Tuesday. As a part of being in a meal group, we also volunteered at a nursing home once a month. My favorite parr of that was when we went there on my birthday, and the volunteer coordinator gave me a bunch of balloons and a plate of hard chocolate chip cookies. It is a floor of alzheimer patients who were mostly women. When it was time for them to sing Happy Birthday to me, a woman named Sylvia said, "Who's birthday is it?" And they said,"April's" pointing to me. Sylvia says, "Who's April". And they point to me again. Sylvia yells, "Oh HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" The funnier part is that she repeated the conversation again two minutes later because she had already forgotten who I was. Then there is a woman named Jane who always calls me a "Killjoy". I'm not making this stuff up.
I am currently at my school. I am supposed to be doing some sort of prep work. But I don't feel the need to do any such thing. I am sitting here, listening to music, and writing. I feel worthless here. I want to get out so fast. I don't want to spend any extra time here, when I am not with my students. I especially have been avoiding my principal, who hasn't been looking at me either. Of course, I do glance at him now and then, but just when I realize that he is around.
I called the school that was in charge of the interview I went to last week. The secretary said that they had started hiring, that if I hadn't heard anything yet, I would find out within the next few weeks. To me that means that I am not going to be hired. In the next few weeks I will receive a call, or a letter in the mail saying that all of the positions would be filled. It made my heart sink to know that they have started hiring. This means that I was not chosen to be one of the 14 new art teachers. I couldn't even land a job when there were 14 openings. How pathetic is that. Sometimes I think that I got extremely lucky when I got hired. Dennis was looking for someone to fill a part-time position, and he knew that it wasn't going to be easy to find someone good to fill a part-time position. So he sat in on another principal's interview sessions. Probably hoping to snatch a sucker who would except anything (me). Someone who had been looking for so long that she would have driven two hours to work everyday if she had to. He met me, and decided I would be that person. He made it sound like he wanted me to be at his school, but I think he didn't want to take the time to set up his own interviews. My impression of him has drastically changed in the last three months, but most importantly in the last month. If Dennis hired me out of convenience, who is going to hire me now?
I have included a picture in this email of two of my students. They look like they are having fun, but does this mean I am not doing my job?
I felt the incredible need to blog today. I have erased all of my previous blogs because there was no purpose to them. I wanted to sound important, like I knew what I was talking about. It turns out I don't. I have no idea what I am doing in my life, and I have no idea why things have taken such a wrong turn.
About a month ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I was let go from my job. And it was because of a mistake I made. Something I would take back in a second. I instructed the subsitute to show a video that I hadn't previewed all the way through. I previewed the first half, and it was fine. But the second half was extremely inappropriate. It included things like heroin use, bare breasts, swearing, etc. The substitute didn't make a good judgement call and proceeded to show the inappropriate footage for not only one class, but two. She wrote down the parts she found inappropriate and turned them in to my principal.
The mistake I made was small, followed by a large mistake made by my substitute. As the teacher, I had to take responsibility for both mistakes. My principal made me feel so awful about it, like I had done it on purpose, and then he decided it wasn't worth it to him, to keep me as a teacher at the school. I am still at the school, but my contract for next year will not be renewed. I asked my principal why I was still being let go, even though the kids are over it, and it seems like the parents are over it as well. My principal gave me some crap about how parents complaints comes in waves, and if I am there at the beginning of the next school year, there will be complaints. Basically he is a coward, and no matter how much the students enjoy having me as a teacher, he is not willing to stick up for me to some wealthy stay at home moms who don't have anything better to do than to complain about their child's education.
At first I was okay with it, I understood that it would be hard to have a teacher that the parents didn't trust. And I thought that I could bounce back. It seemed so easy. I was going to get another job, and leave this school behind me. I wasn't ever going to look back. Now a month later, I am realizing that I have another month to go of this, and I am finding it incredibly hard to finish up my school year. I had a job interview last week, and so I was kind of counting on getting hired. They are hiring 14 new art teachers, and I have a year of experience. My principal told me that there aren't that many art teachers around who are looking for jobs. I haven't gotten a call, and it has been a week. I have been praying and praying that God would give me a second chance, at this new school district.
I have a feeling that if I don't get hired somewhere soon, I am going to realize that I am not as resilient as I feel. I have been recovering quite well. For someone who has a hard time with anxiety and depression, I haven't been feeling that broken. I have had a few experiences in the last few years that I think have helped me be prepared for what happened. I'm scared that things will not look up, and that I will sink, down, down, and down further. I don't really know what I will do if I don't have a teaching job by the end of the summer. I don't really know how I can enjoy my summer, if I don't know where I am going to be in the fall. I am tired of working two jobs, and I am tired of working at the childcare center. I love the babies, but I don't feel like my life is going anywhere. I feel like I am standing still. My life is stagnant. I am stagnant. I haven't even gotten out everything that I want to say. But I needed to get this out, because everything I want to say starts with this. This is what's happening now, it's always on my mind, and I need to get it out. It is done.