April = Scrooge

Is it un-Christian if I dread Christmas? I'm not looking forward to it at all. I would like to skip it altogether. If it were up to me, I would go to church on Christmas day, sing 3 Christmas songs, and be done with it. I haven't always felt this way. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I would look forward to it for months. However, moving further into my 20's, and seeing all of my grandparents die off, as well as seeing my siblings find partners and have children, Christmas just isn't what it used to be.
In fact, this week I was at Walgreens and as I walked down the Christmas aisle, I heard the music playing, and began to tear up. I thought of my grandparents, and how they are gone now. I was very close to them, and I won't be seeing them anytime soon. I also thought of Christmas as a little girl. How warm and safe it felt to be with my whole family. I miss that feeling. Maybe it means that I don't have enough faith in God, that I haven't felt warm and safe for a long time. Maybe it means that I don't appreciate my family enough right now. Maybe I am just lonely. Any way, I don't know how to get that feeling back.
I think that I need a Christmas miracle. Whatever that is, I don't know.

One Hundred Crashing Jetliners

I just finished the book The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns (World Vision President)
I wanted to post this excerpt because it hit home with me.

I want you to imagine for a moment that you woke up it this morning to the following headline: "One Hundred Jetliners Crash, Killing 26,500." Think of the pandemonium this would create across the world as heads of state, parliaments, and congresses convened to grapple with the nature and causes of this tragedy. Think about the avalanche of media coverage that it would ignite around the globe as reporters shared the shocking news and tried to communicate its implications for the world. Air travel would no doubt grind to a halt as governments shut down the airlines and panicked air travelers canceled their trips. The National Transportation Safety Board and perhaps the FBI, CIA, and local law enforcement agencies and their international equivalents would mobilize investigations and dedicate whatever manpower was required to understand what happened and to prevent it from happening again.
Now imagine that the very next day, one hundred more planes crashed- and one hundred more the next, and the next, and the next. It is unimaginable that something this terrible could happen.
But it did- and it does.
It happened today, and it happened yesterday. It will happen again tomorrow. But there was no media coverage. No heads of state, parliaments, or congresses stopped what they were doing to address the crisis, and no investigations were launched. Yet more than 26,500 children died yesterday of preventable causes related to their poverty, and it will happen again today and tomorrow and the day after that. Almost 10 million children will be dead in the course of a year. So why does the crash of a single plane dominate the front pages of newspapers across the world while the equivalent of one hundred planes filled with children crashing daily never reaches our ears? And even though we now have the awareness, the access, and the ability to stop it, why have we chosen not to? Perhaps one reason is that these kids who are dying are not our kids; they're somebody else's.

I feel like God is stretching me. This book has helped with the process. It is uncomfortable at times, and throughout this book I found myself weeping...but I think maybe that was the author's point. For a while now, I have been asking God, "Where do you want me to go?!" But maybe the more accurate question is, "What do you want me to do?!" And for that question, this book has the answer. Give what you have. Time, talent, and treasure.
I recommend this book to anyone. Whether you are a Christian or not...your eyes will be opened a little wider.

Fat Pants

So today I tried on my fat pants. A random idea I had while pretending to do my homework. They are alot bigger than I remember. I immediately smiled when I got them on, and there was no way they were going to stay up without me holding them. I made my mom take this photo. It was and is a great feeling, however, once I held them up, the emotions and the tears came flooding back.
Its a sorrowful feeling in a way. You hold open this large pair of pants, hardly believing that at one time they were almost too small for you. I never realized that I was that big. There were even times when I looked in the mirror and thought that I was pretty. And others told me the same. Now I look at the photos from back then, and wonder if people could see something that I can't. I look at the photos, and look at the guys who I was attracted to, and think, "Wow, Ape...not a chance." Not that big people are repulsive, but that the guys I chose, were completely shallow...as a lot of guys are (I'm sorry, but it seems true).
Something funny to me, is that I feel like I have become alot less shallow when it comes to the idea of dating someone. I feel better about myself, and so I am less critical of the physical appearance of who I end up with. This makes me happy, becuase 1. I don't think that God intended for us to be so set on physical appearance and 2. This means that I can focus on more important things like a man's character and passion for life and loving Christ.
I kind of miss being bigger sometimes. I miss always being warm in the winter. I miss feeling cozy when you are curled up on the couch. I miss being able to fall on my butt, and not actually hurt anything.
Things I love about losing weight. Like I've said before, my collarbones. Non-plus size clothes, not being sweaty, no heartburn, not accidentally clearing off a table with your stomach, not getting asked if I'm pregnant, feeling like I can go ANYWHERE God wants me to go and not worry about exhaustion, being able to have babies someday and play with them (this was one of the main reasons why I decided to lose weight), not being pre-diabetic...I could go on, obviously the good outweighs the bad.
I am approaching a year, since I started this journey. May 11th is the actual date. It has been really hard. And lately I have been losing incentive since the scale is moving a bit slower. I'm hoping that this photo helps me. Maybe it will help someone else too.

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.

So I am now 27. 3 years from 30. Am I where I thought I would be 10 years ago? Absolutely not. Am I still happy? YES! I'm sure if you asked me 10 years ago, where I would be when I was 27, I would have said, "A MARRIED art teacher with at least 2 kids...and more on the way." Did I make a good attempt at achieving every part of that sentence? Yes...but oh the naivety of a 17 year old girl. Teaching art was fun...but not what I thought. I love art and I love kids...alot, but art in the public schools is disintegrating rapidly, and I have decided that I love the way art is therapeutic, and want to pursue it (I'm sure that musicians feel this way about music...I feel this way about both, and I have been having some exciting new ideas about putting God,art, and music together to help people heal. I've been praying that God puts a musician or two in my life to help :)
As far as being married, and having babies. There aren't that many things in my life where I feel confident enough to admit it, and I hope that people don't see me as someone who is arrogant...but I feel like I would be a really good mom. This Saturday in Kid-O-Deo, there was a little boy who I had to peel off of his mother, in order for her to get to the service. This little one did not know me at all, but just by holding him, and rocking with him, calmed his nerves, ended his sobbing, and minutes later he was playing with cars and puzzles. While holding him, I kept thinking, "This is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world." The other day at my job, I was working with the preschoolers, and this little boy didn't like that I was watching him and his friends play. He yells, "Go away!" Suddenly his friend Mike yells, "No! I LOVE her!" He turned to me and said, "I love you." I said, "I love you too!" I don't know if it is okay to tell children at my work that I love them (I really do), but when a child says that they love you...you say it BACK! I don't think that I stopped smiling for the rest of the day.
When it comes to wanting to get married, if you have known me long enough, you know that this is one of the things I want most in my life. One of the things that I have struggled so hard to trust God with. The older I get, the more I am forced to rely on Him...because the more impatient I become. I've never had a boyfriend. Everybody knows this...or you do now :) My mother claims it is because God knows that I can't handle a broken heart. Mothers are always so insightful aren't they? I've had my heart stomped on quite a bit, but only from not waiting for God's timing.
As a single person, you don't really know if these desires will ever be satisfied. It is scary sometimes to think that God doesn't have a partner for you. All of my siblings have significant others. And my parents have each other. I don't doubt their love for me, but sometimes you just start to wonder what life will be like in 10 more years, when you don't have someone who expects you home at night.
I believe that life is what you make of it. Even though I have shared some unmet desires of my heart, I don't really feel like I am sitting here...waiting for these things to happen. If I expect my satisfaction in life to come from these things, it is a slap in the face to God. It is a waste of perfectly good opportunities that God will create for me, if He chooses for me to be single. Maybe I am meant to always cuddle with other people's children. Maybe I am supposed to become a missionary and offer the skills I am learning as a counselor, to help young children who have had their hearts broken by disaster. Maybe I am supposed to be a stay-at-home mother. God will use me wherever he sees fit.
I didn't really intend to write about being single and childless today. I am just coming off of a great birthday weekend, one of the best birthdays of my life actually. God chose this weekend to show me how many people I have in my life who love me. The above photo is the group who showed up to Brunswick Zone for my birthday night. Five others came who are not pictured. I've known some of these people since birth(my siblings), kindergarten, high school, after college, and a few I have just met recently.
Here is what I did want to say in this blog. A few things that I have learned in this last year:
1. No matter what size you are, you will most likely always find something wrong with your body.
I was talking to my grad friends, and this was the consensus. Even if you aren't fat, you could be too skinny, you could have a big nose, you could be kind of hairy. We focus on imperfections. I thought that losing 100 lbs. would get rid of the insecure feelings I have about my body. Nope! Now there are new ones :) Oh well, my body and I are in love some days, and other days we avoid the mirror altogether.
2. It feels great to be where God wants you to be.
I really feel like I am right where I should be. God has blessed me so much in the last year, and I feel like he is pushing me, and stretching me, and putting new people in my life who love Him as much as I do. In the last 8 months, I have jumped headfirst into volunteering at my church. I love it. I feel so happy, calm, moved, loved, and about a dozen other words that describe what God has blessed me with in this place. I meet new people every week. I have to say that the time I enjoy the most is being part of the tech team, and hanging out with the guys/girls in the band (even though the worship pastor made reference to taking a dump, when he forgot that I was sitting right behind him. I'm pretty sure that this is going to give way to him feeling comfortable saying these things right in front of me. I accepted a long time ago that I went to the same university as these guys...and for the most part, Bethel boys are all the same. They talk about Jesus, music, pooping, and videogames in the same conversation.)
3. It's okay to be a sensitive girl.
I always cry on my birthday. I can't really explain it, maybe it is a life change that I did not initiate. Maybe I am caught between wanting a concert thrown in my honor, and not wanting too much attention...it really depends on the year I think. This year, I cried 3 times on my birthday. None of them were for bad reasons. First, I saw a sad movie. Second, the praise band at church did an amazing job playing a song that I love, and when music makes me happy, I cry...especially when it's live. And third, I was really amazed at how many friends showed up to my birthday. I think that I forget how many people care about me, mostly because most of these people I don't see that often. You forget that even though you don't see them, they still love you. I am loved :) Thanks Jesus!

Possible Baby Names

From the time I was 15 years old, I have been thinking of baby names. Lately, I've been getting creative...or not so creative. Take your pick.

1. Ramona Quimby Age 8
2. Juanita Fajita
3. Jasper Johns
4. Leonardo DaVinc-o
5. Russell Stover

It's time to get out of this town, there's no more fun to be found.

I need to get out of this town. I'm going completely crazy. Driving MYSELF crazy. I haven't been able to get away since last October. For some people, this wouldn't be a big deal. Work, kids, church, activities. Valid reasons to not get away. I can't do this. I am not made this way. I feel so exhausted. If someone pulled into my driveway right now, and said, "C'mon Ape, let's go!" I wouldn't even ask where we are going. I would just go. ANYWHERE!
In the last few years, I have realized that there are certain people in my life who God has given me...to remind me of who I am. Whenever I see them, I feel like I am home, even though they live FAR from my home. I feel like I get a piece back of myself that has slowly been sliding away. I haven't seen these people in about five months...some of them even longer, and I feel like myself... the person who I am certain of, is almost gone. I feel like this empty shell, just walking around...smiling at those who smile at me. Trying to give when I don't feel like I have much to give.
At the end of this month, I plan to take a trip to the east coast with my family. This will be a vacation. Unfortunately, many vacations with my family have left me feeling even more exhausted than when I am in the daily grind. Though I am looking forward to this trip, I realize that it takes up the money I would use to see my other friends...I'm taking donations.
God is doing so much in my life right now. I love my church, and I have developed a strong desire to read Christian authors, explore theology, and a desire to know MORE! Even the verses and stories in the Bible that I have read so many times before, offer insight...and I feel like I can feel the heart of those who were writing. This sounds cheesy, but it is true. I have begun asking God, "Where are we going?!" I am so excited to find out. I'm getting really excited for my trip to Nicaragua in August (and completely nervous for several reasons). I don't want it to be so far away. I've always felt God pushing me to travel, to offer support to those who are hurting, to provide help for those in need. Maybe that is why I am training to be a therapist.
My grandmother always told me that I was dreamer. This quality has stuck with me for my whole life. I can't imagine living a life where I live in the same house, taking my kids to hockey practice for 18 years. Having the same job until I retire. When I think about it, my eyes glaze over, and I think...BORED! There is whole world to see! (let me just say that I am terribly close to my family...I stopped by my brother's work this weekend, just to give him a hug. Going where God leads will be really hard for me. But how can you turn Him down?! I can't let my fear consume me).

For My Wonderful Sisters on Valentine's Day

I think this might be my favorite poem ever. I love love love my sisters, and this poem reminds me of them. So why not dedicate it to these three lovely ladies who got to choose my name upon my arrival into this world?(side note: letting a 2 1/2 year old, 5 year old, and 8 year old, choose a baby's name is never a good idea. I happen to love mine, but I'm pretty sure I was named April, because I was born in April. Real original girls :) )

i carry your heart with me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Top 5 Winona Ryder Movies

Winona Ryder is my all time favorite actress. Did you know she was born in Winona, Minnesota? This is one of the most boring places on earth, but apparently not that boring since it produced a hot mess like Winona Ryder. She is most definitely a Klepto, but she is my favorite Klepto. Here is the list...according to April. You may disagree!

In order of favoritism:
1. Little Women
2. Girl, Interrupted
3. How To Make An American Quilt
4. Reality Bites
5. Beetlejuice

Other films worth mentioning:
Edward Scissorhands
Mermaids (The Shoop Shoop Song w/ Cher, can't get much better than this :))

Blessed are the meek: A misguided course in Femininity

Throughout my adolescence, and into young adulthood, my mother has always used the verse Matthew 5:5, Blessed are the meek,for they will inherit the earth. as a way of saying, "Can-it April, you're being too loud!" Well, maybe not in those exact words. But it was her verse to hinder me from getting too loud, or getting too sassy, or being too funny. In her eyes, these things are not what a girl should be. Because of this, for my entire life I have felt that God didn't want me to be too smart,too funny or too voicetress.
In my mom's eyes, God and man are in agreement. Men don't want these things in a woman. A woman is supposed to be quiet, and dainty, and pretty, and smell nice. I know now that she misinterpreted the verse. God wasn't saying that he wanted a bunch of quiet Christians. And it does not say, "WOMEN! Blessed are the meek! SILENCE!" Humble Christians... maybe that is more of what God had in mind?
I don't blame her, it was her own mother who had said the same things to her, and probably my great-grandmother who started it (Great Grandma Tillman...I hope you and God had a chat about many things, upon your arrival).
I laugh all of the time. I can't help it. I laugh when I shouldn't, when things aren't supposed to be funny. Inappropriate things (ie. when I hear the word boner, etc.) I laugh every time my ethics professor curses. I'm like a 9 year old, cursing is funny to me.
For my whole life, I feel like I have struggled with my mother and grandmother's ideas of who I am supposed to be as a woman. When I got into the 6th grade, my mom informed me that I could start wearing make-up. I never asked. When I didn't express the desire to wear it, she kept urging. This battle went on into high school and even college. always argued. My argument was that if a man really loved me, he wouldn't care if I was wearing make-up or not. Her response was that this may be true, but that he may never get that far, if I didn't make myself look desirable. Again, not in her exact words, but along those lines.
I won't go into the arguments about the two perms I have had in my life, and the countless outfits that my mother has bought for me, that I have resented her for making me wear. Okay, I went into it a little bit. My mother is one of my best friends, and not a mean woman at all. She never meant me any harm. Like most mothers, she just felt that she knew the best (and still does). She only learned from what she encountered in her life, and the advice passed on from her mother.
I would say that I have learned to stand my ground with her. She no longer gets to buy clothes for me out of the her "old lady" catalogs (though she tries desparately), and there will never be another perm on my head. I wear make-up when I know that there will be someone who SHE wants me to impress. I wear make-up to church and other places where there are men who I would actually consider dating.
Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have turned out more girlie, if she hadn't been so persistant. Still, to this day if she knows I will see a guy I could potentially be interested in, I will hear, "Where's your lipstick?"
In the end, I still struggle with the imposed desire to feel girlie. To feel beautiful, to feel seductive. When I was fatter, I grew the attitude, "Why the heck would I bother?" Men look right through you when you are fat. Now that I have lost quite a bit of weight, I struggle with the desire to feel feminine. For someone who has some creative genes, I have no idea about the other kind of jeans. As a fat girl you just get used to buying clothes that don't make you look completely awful.
I don't know how to be soft spoken. I get quiet when I am shy, uncertain, uncomfortable, when I have a secret, when I am tired and when I am sad. But if it isn't one of those times, I am busy laughing, yelling, and talking loudly. For most of my life I have felt self-conscious about if I get too happy, or too excited...guys won't want to date me. If a girl seems too self-confident, guys won't like her. My friend Joe once told me, that when a guy meets me, he knows that he can't tell me something that isn't 100% true. Because I will call him out on his crap. Apparently this is intimidating for some men.
Deep down, I am a complete girl. By this, I mean that I am completely too sensitive. My guy friends have found this out the hard way. One minute she is playing bloody video games, or is in a round of darts and the next minute, she is pouting because you've hurt her feelings...and you're not even sure why.
What do you do with a girl who is incredibly excited for the Time Traveler's Wife AND Boondock Saints 2 to come out on DVD?

Attraction

I think that it is very fascinating, how as humans we tend to attract people who are alot like us. I am not talking about dating necessarily. I am just talking about what I have observed in my own life. Right now, I think of two good girlfriends, who I met in very different places in my life. One, was in high school. We have the exact same musical taste, and we have always seemed to just "get" each other. She is married now, and has a little girl who seems adorable. When we were in high school, I used to talk to her about God, and she came with me to church at least once. I never knew if it stuck with her or not, until recently when she told me that she goes to church now, and she thinks of me when she goes there. This in itself is huge. I can die a happy woman :). I love our friendship, even though we haven't seen each other in years. Facebook is a miracle worker :)
The second girlfriend, I met in college. She is single, and lives far away. We also seem to understand each other in ways that others cannot. God has brought us together and offered us empowerment, through our friendship with each other. According to Justin Sears...Fem-Nazis...if you will. I love this, and I wish we could see more of each other.
There is a third girlfriend, who I have just started getting to know within the last year. We are in the same grad program. We are both single, and Christians, and I really think that we have the same sense of humor. And we both cannot understand why the other is still single :) It is a joy to be able to share life experiences with someone, and know that their past is very similar to your own. And to know that you have similar goals for the future.
In my graduate program, I am currently learning about assessment (did I mention that last week I had to take an assessment for a couple...and I'm pretty sure that I made up the traits of my spouse...because he is missing in action. This leads me to think of the inside joke I have with my family at Christmas, how my husband isn't going to make it, because I don't know where he is). There are tons of them. According to Myers Briggs, I am an ENFP: Extravert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. 8.1% of the U.S. population gets this score. Everyone has different percentages for each subcategory. I am willing to guess, that these ladies who I have met in my life, fit into this category as well. Or at least pretty similar. This would reinstate the idea that you attract people who are the most like you. This would reinstate why I feel the need to go running to one of these girls when I can feel myself repeating old bad habits, or creating new ones. As if to say, "You know me the best because you can see yourself in me...save me from myself. NOW!" They know just the right thing to say to get you out of your funk. I don't think that I know any men who fit into this category :) My brother certainly doesn't. He doesn't break out the intuition. And my dad is definitely an intravert. My mom always says that she is married to a bachelor. He does his own laundry, he cooks his own meals...unless she asks in advance.
I love the feeling that you get, when you know that somebody really gets you. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does...it makes you feel a little less crazy :)
I don't feel that I have said anything really profound here. I think that you would have to know these girls, and how truly wonderful they are. And our similar journeys. Maybe someday my life story will be published as a biography. Not of someone famous...just as the life of someone. How do you condense 54 journals into one book? 54 journals. I can say that I am proud of this. Sticking with something for the last 15 years of my life. Writing obsessively. Filling a few pages when I am happy. Writing CHAPTERS when I am angry.
Wow...April Kay... you are random today.

VD: Valentine's Day or Venereal Disease

My brother gave me the title for this blog. I love him. If God were to have created me as a man I would be...Jimmy Williamson. We thought we were twins for a while when we were little, we didn't get that when I had a birthday, it actually made me a year older. But still, 14 months apart is pretty close.
Valentine's Day is in two weeks. It has been a sore spot for me since I was about 15 years old. Never a good one, always lonely. A boyfriend is something that I've always wanted, but never been blessed with. Sometimes I wonder if when I finally do meet someone, I will just find something else to be discontent with. This doesn't sound like a very good deal. Is a relationship everything I imagine it to be? The complaints I hear from family and friends about their spouses make me realize that it isn't always sunshine and lollipops. I also think about being available to go where God wants me to go, and how a husband and children would play into that. Ultimately, I think that God has put the desire to be a wife and a mother inside of me for a reason. Lately, I have been praying for God to take away that desire until the time comes for me to fall in love.
Though being happy with myself is a daily love/hate relationship, I am altogether happy. Life has been a little hard lately, and I presume it will get even more difficult since it is only the third week of the semester, but I feel like I am where God wants me to be in my life. I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways. Even though I am currently frustrated with God, I can see him working all of the time in my life. Tonight at church, it seemed like God had been in my mind all week, and had designed a sermon to address everything. Even one of the key verses was one that I put on my facebook profile this week.
I'm celebrating Valentine's Day this year. Not with anyone special, but with everyone special. I think I will bring some cupcakes to church (since Valentine's Day is on a Sunday) and share them with some of the volunteers. And maybe all of my family members deserve to get something fun. Let Valentine's Day not be about who finds me special, but about who I find special. If God has chosen for me to be single right now, it doesn't mean that I am not loved, it only means that it just isn't time yet. Searching for someone is pointless when it only takes one person to find you irreplaceable. And God definitely finds me irreplaceable. I am filled with love, I love this life, I love the bright winter sunsets, the rabbits that run away everytime I open my front door, the wiener dog I saw today with the sweater, and the amazing family and friends who love me back. Thank you God, for giving me the ability to appreciate these things!

Highs and Lows of this week.

Let's start with the highs...still waiting...okay I found a few.
1. I knew the answer to a question that my classmates did not. I was also able to offer help to one of my classmates when he didn't know how to take an assessment. An assessment that I had to figure out all by myself.
2. There was a really bright sunset today. Most people like sunsets in the summer, but I prefer the winter ones. They are so much brighter, and in my mind more appreciated...my hypothesis is that the sun is closer to the earth?
3. I got to hug two of my sisters today.
4. I ate at Acapulco for Jolie's birthday on Monday.
5. My ethics professor has turned out to be really funny, and he swears alot, which makes me giggle.
6. I am now officially...overweight. I started at morbidly obese, through obese, to overweight. Next stop...normal?

Lows... I have a few.
1. Umm...Sunday. Bad day overall.
2. My internship interview...I won't know if I got it for 3 or 4 weeks. This stress is unneeded in my life.
3. The cars right in front of me today, got into an accident while on the exit ramp close to my house, when I was already in a rush.
4. The 3 page paper I wrote in about 40 minutes this afternoon.
5. I discovered I am undesirable and bought 3 new zip up hoodies to commemorate this momentous occasion. I now have 6.
6. There was a man with Downs Syndrome at Latin Hip Hop this week who kept standing on the stage, lifting up his shirt,' and saying, "I am sexy." This will make everyone laugh, because it is indeed hilarious to think about, but at the time it was pretty uncomfortable, and I was nervous he was going to get even more inappropriate.
7. I can't sleep at night. My head keeps spinning, my eyes close, but there is no sleep. I am exhausted. I've never had problems sleeping in the past, I don't know what this means.

I pray everyday, throughout the day, I understand that some weeks aren't as good as others. Even though this one kind of sucked, and I am tired, I am letting God lead. I feel like recently God has had a hold of most decisions in my life, and it feels good. It comes as a relief that I don't have to stress so much. Toil. Worry. This is a new thing for me...the girl who used to give herself stomachaches when she was little, just from worrying. I remember at the age of 9 feeling so overwhelmed with the ideas of the universe, time, and heaven, that I worked myself up until I ran to my mother, crying. These are things that little girls aren't supposed to think about.

Let's hope next week is better...with more winter sunsets, good music, and funny stories from my ethics professor.

Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus

A few years ago, when I was in a meal group at The Upper Room, we were assigned to read this book. However, I wasn't at a place in my life where I felt very interested in what McManus had to say. Though he was an excellent speaker, I wasn't pursuing God's will for my life very closely. I was recovering from God pretty much knocking me flat on my face, and I was hurt. I read the first chapter, and put it on a shelf. A lot has changed since then. A few months ago, I felt this book calling me from the shelf in my room. I am so glad that I read it.
In Chasing Daylight, McManus uses 1 Samuel chapter 14 and the story of Jonathon fighting the Philistines as a baseline for the entire book. For those of you who aren't familiar with this Bible story, Jonathon takes himself and one armor bearer to fight the Philistines, while his father, the king, sits underneath a tree because he is too fearful of these giants. McManus talks about not letting divine moments pass you by, being motivated to move even when you are uncertain. You should read the book, you really should. Here is one part of many, that has inspired me.

One of the most asked questions among sincere followers of Jesus Christ is, "What is God's will for my life?" We want a detailed map or plan. We want God to spell it out so we can follow the instructions. Too often we want it clear and uncomplicated, but God simply does not work like that. For a lot of us the most spiritual thing we can do is to do something- to turn right when we want to turn left. So we must move beyond simply choosing between right and wrong. We must resolve not only to leave the path of doing evil, but also to passionately pursue a life of doing good.
The danger is getting stuck in between the two, living your life in the neutral zone. No real evil to speak about, but no great good to be proud of either. This takes us beyond having nothing to be ashamed of to being ashamed of doing nothing. It is rarely counted as evil when we live in neutral. At worst a passive life is only pitied, yet God counts it as a tragedy when we choose to simply watch life rather than live it. Jesus described as wicked the person who leaves his talent unused. When we fail to choose, we choose to fail. You cannot put your life on hold. It moves forward with or without your approval. Choosing not to choose does not put off the problem; it only exacerbates it.
God designed us to move through time with intentionality. Even waiting on God is a proactive activity. Whether it's reflection or revoluction, each moment deserves our creative engagement. (McManus, p. 45-46)
You can find McManus at a church called Mosaic, a multi-campus church in the L.A. area. Here is the web address.
www.mosaic.org
There are also podcasts available. And anyone can borrow my copy of this book. He has other books which I have not read, but are on my list. In my opinion, this is a great book for a church to read as a group.

I will follow where you lead...I hope.

I had a lot to write about today. But I settled on this. I want to go on a missions trip with my church. This wouldn't seem like a problem to any normal person, who is experiencing God calling them to help others. But for me, this poses as a problem.
I had a bad experience when travelling to the Dominican Republic when I was in college. What was meant to be a 3 week class on painting, turned into a 3 day nightmare, that comes back to haunt me whenever I travel to new places. I won't go into details about what caused me to come home, only that it was my first time out of the country, and there were many complications during the beginning of the trip, which caused me to have a panic attack. After getting home, I sank into a deep depression which lasted for several weeks. It left me feeling completely helpless, wiping out the notion that I had any strength as a human being. This sounds a bit drastic, but I can't really describe it any other way. For someone who has never had a panic attack, it would be hard to know what I am talking about. The best way I can describe it, is to tell someone to close their eyes and picture themselves drowning, really try to experience it. Then open their eyes, and see that they aren't drowning...they are in a line at Starbucks, but oh wait...the feeling is still there. You can't breathe, you are scared, you are sweating, your heart feels like it is going to stop beating at any moment. Imagine feeling like this when you are with people you don't know very well, in a foreign country for the very first time. You don't speak the language, and you can't describe how you are feeling to anyone, because you have no idea what it is. There is nothing physically wrong with you, its all in your head. And you have no control over it.
The Dominican trip wasn't the last time this happened. The positive thing is that through these experiences, I have become more aware of what triggers it. The only problem is, that I fear that it will happen if I go on a missions trip. The fear alone is pretty consuming. I really hate this, because I'm not an idiot, I know that there is nothing physically keeping me from going, I know that it is not a physical illness. It is a fear, a panic, that won't go away. I see this as a huge weakness. Something that makes me inferior (though I have no control over it). My own brother used to think that I was overreacting, that I just needed to not worry so much about it...until he himself experienced a panic attack. Then he found himself wrapping his arms around me, sobbing uncontrollably, because I knew what he was feeling. It's called the fight or flight mechanism in your brain. Your body senses that it is under attack (when it is not), and you get the physical feelings of needing to fight or flee. I go with the fleeing.
I consider myself a pretty free spirit. I want to go to other countries and go where God calls me. I've always been taught that when God leads you to go somewhere, you go! When God needs you for something, you are there. I grew up in a house with a mother who never turned away someone who needed a place to stay. Great grandmothers, grandmothers, uncles, nieces and nephews, friends, boyfriends (not mine), all lived under our roof during my childhood. Of course at different times. If I remember correctly, at one time we had 9 people living at our house. And it wasn't a big house.
I feel like an adventurous person, stuck in a worry warts body! I think that I would do well if I had someone to go with me, to look out for me, to just know what I am dealing with. But our church is huge, I'm eternally single, and my family doesn't have my bug for missions.
There are so many places I want to go in my life. I would be deeply saddened if I missed out on opportunities because of something that is all in my head. It's hard not to blame yourself, when it is in fact YOUR brain that is faulty. I guess I need to do some praying...that God sends me someone to accompany me on my journey, or the reassurance that I am a strong woman of God, who has what it takes. Maybe others can do that for me as well.

You Make It Real For Me

I ran into this song when I was running this week. It made me feel happy, and a little more at peace with life. I decided that it's my song for God. All of the lyrics say what I want to say. Since then I've be playing it over and over again. I haven't had the most awesome week. A week where I lay face first on the floor of my bedroom in silence. If sounds weird, but it works for me.

So much craziness surroundin me
So much goin on, it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure about my priorities
When I've lost site of where I'm meant to be
Like holy water washin over me
You make it real for me

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words
You teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me, yeah

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talkin in words I don't understand
You got to be the only one who knows just who I am
You're shinin in the distance, I hope I can make it through
Cause the only place that I want to be
Is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I'm runnin to you, baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missin you lately
Cause you make it real for me
Yes, you do, you make it real for me

Today was Latin Hip Hop day at the YMCA. At least for me it was. I didn't want to go. I've been feeling like crap all week, I'm hormonal, and achy. Earlier this week I made a vow that when I get married I am going to put frown faces on the calendar for one week a month. As if to warn my husband, "This probably isn't going to work out well for you." Not that I'm a complete jerk...I'm just tired, and I cry for absolutely no reason.
So anyways, I felt like crap. But I made myself go. I ate half of a donut at work today...my arch enemy. But I am not ashamed. After finishing it, I said, "That was totally worth it." I have become a firm believer that if you blow it, you embrace your decision, and at least let yourself experience the pleasure of...in my case the donut. Otherwise, you're actions are totally in vane if you don't at least enjoy it. So eating half of a donut led me to go to the gym.
I first started Latin Hip Hop last June. I remember how tired and out of breath I was after the first class. It is advertised as a high energy class. And for someone who is overweight, these are code words for...you're going to die. But I went, and it was fun, even though I was sore for days after. The first few times I did the workout, I couldn't do things that everyone else could do, I found myself quitting some of the dances early and making the excuse to go drink some water. I hung out in the back row, in the corner...to go unnoticed. When I first started, I felt like a Butterball Turkey, trying to shake her hips, and get low low low low. I was making the motions, but oh wait...you can't tell, because I have no waistline. I felt so unattractive, hence the reason I hid in the corner.
The last two weeks I have noticed a major difference in my progress. Last week, I realized that I didn't actually have sweat on my face until the class was almost over. And today I was noticing a few other things. I can jump. I can jump high, and I can jump fast. I feel lighter on my feet. For the first time ever, I was watching myself dance in the mirrors in the fitness studio, and I actually look (almost) like the instructor. I almost appear seductive, wiggling my hips. I know...its hard to believe, April Kay...the girl who dropped out of middle school cheerleading because she was forced to do push ups, dropping it like it's hot.
When I was done with the workout today, I felt better. My mood was better and I wasn't in pain. I've been noticing lately, that exercise is a healer in many ways. Here's a gross example... it clears my sinuses :) People use illness, stress and depression as an excuse, but it actually makes you feel better. If anyone wants to join me in Latin Hip Hop class on Wednesday nights, with Butt Sweat Jimi, you are welcome! (we'll have to check out guest passes)I have graduated from the back row, to the second-to-back row. It's a big step for me :)
Sidenote: If you do come to Latin Hip Hop, stay away from interacting with Butt Sweat Jimi before class. Today he comes up to me and says, "Is this your first time?" I said, "Nope" He says, "Second time?" I shake my head "no". He says, "You've been here many times? You are always back here hiding." In my head, I am thinking, "I'm here all the time, back off Creepo!" You see, Butt Sweat Jimi looks like a homeless person. He comes into the Y, wearing a trench coat, hooded sweatshirt, flip flops with socks, carrying several bags...oh and I forgot to mention that he looks like a cross between Charles Manson, and a pirate. If you don't dodge eye contact, he is likely to try dancing with you before class. No thanks.
My name is April Williamson, and I've got the moves.

The heart is a lonely hunter...and mine preys in the Cub Foods Bakery Department

Cub Foods is open 24 hours. I'm sure that not too many people take advantage of their grocery store being open at 3 a.m. But for a night owl like myself, the Cub Foods Bakery Department was always an oasis of comfort in the middle of the night. Cake, cheesecake, and cookies are all good, but the donuts, OH the donuts, were where my heart fluttered. Two donuts, a glass of milk, and a movie. This was the entertainment for the evening. Comfort foods for someone who was bored, depressed, lonely, for any struggle in life. If you can't fix it right now, EAT! Stressed about work? EAT! Still single? EAT! (eating was also justifiable by the idea that I was too fat for anyone to find attractive)
You are trapped in a life where your comforter is your enemy.

It is an addiction. A desparation to find a little happiness...quickly. A drug...made of sugar, milk, flour, and eggs.

Don't think that I hadn't tried relying on God...Oh dear I have. Prayed and begged for help to fight the temptation. But how does God help you fight temptation when the things you do become such a habit that without even thinking, you are shoving food into your mouth? It's not temptation when its a thoughtless habit. You feel ripped off when you are trying so hard to do well, but without even thinking, you are in the refrigerater, eating a leftover piece of pizza?

I went to the grocery store tonight. I was missing my old love. I wandered through the bakery department...lingered...tried sweet talking myself into buying SOMETHING! But buying 1 donut brings me immediate anxiety. It makes me into this person who is weak, pathetic, and helpless (this is the way people feel after giving in to temptation). I moved away from the donuts, and onto the cookies and brownies. But they don't sell these things unless they are in a pack of 6, 12, 24. And there is no way on God's green earth, that I am bringing an entire pack of these things home! So I moved on to the rest of the grocery store. I needed something GOOD! Headed for the Pop Tarts (200 calories for 1 pastry...who eats ONE!), Swiss Cake Rolls (270 calories for 2 cakes), muffins ( I don't want to know how bad these are). The Pop Tarts were the only things that made it into my cart. And then made it back onto the shelf. Couldn't do it.
But don't think I gave up and went home. Oh no, I went back to the bakery department. Stared at the donuts...oh the donuts. And for a moment I felt anxious, sad, and defeated. Not because I was giving in to the temptation, but because I knew that I was going home empty handed.
Almost empty handed. The groceries I ended up with included:
3 different kinds of cheese (high protein diet)
Box of crackers
Almonds
Super Glue
Milk
Box of 100 Calorie Hostess Cupcakes- Strawberry flavor (end result of much turmoil)

You may be asking yourself, "April, why can't you just eat 1 donut?" Though I do have a piece of cake or a cookie once in a while, my response would be this:

"My name is April Kay, and I am a doughnaholic."

P.S. I've decided that I like going to the grocery store after going to the gym. It adds some extra guilt. :)

Peace-Jennifer Knapp

He is my Light and my Salvation
whom have i to fear
in His secret place i'll hide and pray
that i might hear a simple word

o, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
i can lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

and when my enemies draw near
i pray that they will find
that i'm protected and secure
all tempests He will bind with a mighty word

o, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
i can lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have i to fear?

Goals for 2010

1. Travel to another country (next December you may see me heading up to Canada to fulfill this goal...however it is not what I have in mind)

2. Graduate from the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at St. Mary's.

3. Get more involved at Eaglebrook...maybe be a small group leader? (this seems a little frightening to me).

4. Convince my body that we're not done losing weight.

5. Paint more.

6. Blog more.

7. Love more.

8. Hug more.

9. Type all 54 of my journals onto my computer in case there is ever a fire (When I started journaling when I was 12, I never dreamed that it would evolve into this!)

10. Read alot of books (I've been on a reading frenzy lately).

11. Boyfriend??? (this one always makes the list)

12. If #11 doesn't happen, be more content with being single...and inspire others to see being single as an opportunity for an adventure!